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2005-11-06 @ 8:35 p.m.
eyebrow dysfunction scares republican - film at 11

We’re currently under a tornado watch, which is unusual for two reasons. 1) What the hell? This is New England not Kansas, we don’t have tornados, and 2) This is almost mid-November...what the hell? Its should be snowing, not blowing.

And I’m only aware of this pertinent information, because when I got home this afternoon from the yuppie grocery store, with a large load of groceries, I got to the bottom of the stairs of my apartment building and looked up and holy moly, it was this vision of awesome Republicaness...Harold the Geek from “A”s group was just coming around the corner from apparently handing out political propaganda flyers for his candidates along my row of apartments.

When he saw me, he stopped dead in his tracks, like a deer in headlights. But then I said hi and I immediately accused him of trying to make people vote Republican against their will and he bowed to my accusations and walked down the stairs and said hello. He then started to just walk away and I was like what the hell, I’m a woman with a bunch of groceries standing here, so I demanded sweetly asked if he could carry the heaviest bags up the stairs for me, because after all, isn’t that what men are for? Carrying heavy things??? They have to be good for something. So he grabbed my bags, and no that’s not secret code for something naughty, and followed me upstairs, undoubtedly keeping his eyes on the stairs, because if he looked at my ass, he would be severely punished, although, well, you know how Republicans kinda like that sort of thing apparently. We just had some vague conversation about whether his flyers were a hit at my apartment complex (they weren’t), but he said that around the rest of the Village they were. Yeah, right.

When we got to my door, I knew he was ready to bolt. He looked nervous...being at the door of a stunning Democrat artist hippie chick. He just kinda waved and walked away. I really wanted to ask him where my housewarming gift was. About a month ago he had picked me up down on main street and had told me that he had bought me a house warming gift of a tea pot since he hadn’t helped me with the move and I was thinking, sure you did...well then cough it up you ol’ fuddy duddy. But since then, of course, I’ve never heard from him again, until I caught him skulking around trying to convert people to Republicans. So he walked away and I started to lug all the groceries into my apartment and suddenly I hear this very faint voice calling my name.


So I yelled back, “What-teee????” And it was Harold the Geek, who suddenly reappeared up around the corner. He then came walking back towards me, all serious, and said, “I guess I shouldn’t be yelling at your apartments. I’m very sorry, witty. Did you know that there’s a tornado warning on right now?” I said no, because I had been out walking at the Canal and then gone to the Mall and then gotten groceries. He then said, “I just wanted to tell you that. Good bye.” And then practically broke into a sprint as he headed towards the stairs. I guess he was nervous I might possibly invite him into my psychedelic hippie lair or something. That’s now the second time I’ve had a man carry my groceries to my apartment and then act all nervous. I wonder why? Am I that scary? I also had “J” from work do that. I did get him into the door but when I went to show him my porch off the living room, he wouldn’t walk past my kitchen. I guess they must think my apartment is booby trapped with explosives or something.

Of course today it could have been my eye-brows.

I’m not sure what I was thinking last night, but I was touching up my gray hairs last night with some dye and the kit came with a cute little brush and as I was looking in the mirror I was thinking, my those eyebrows are certainly looking awfully gray. In fact, its getting so you can barely see them. I hate getting old. It just totally sucks. I really wish I was young again. Hey! I know! (can you see where this is leading?) Why don’t I take that cute little brush and just kinda, sorta brush on some hair dye onto my eyebrows. It’ll be cool! They’ll match my hair! I’ll look really young again!!! So there I was...brushing all this purplely glop onto my eyebrow. I was very neat and clean about. I don’t have huge eyebrows, so it only took about a minute or two. And the whole touch-up thing only took about 10 minutes. So I got in the shower afterwards and rinsed all the dye out of my hair and scrubbed the skin around my temples and I also scrubbed my eye brow area since I figured there would be a little residue there too. Heh. Yeah, just a little.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was my immediate reaction after I took the towel off and looked in the mirror. Chhh-rrrist....I never knew I had such big eyebrows, until I dyed them the color of frickin’ obsidian. Lets just say the dye worked exceptionally well and I now look like Brook Shield’s crazy old aunt. It’s rather startling, especially against my pale Irish skin.

So I knew I had to do something about it today, so I went down to the mall to get an eyebrow and chin waxing. I hate plucking my eyebrows and discovered the art of waxing a couple of years ago. I don’t mind the momentary pain of rrriiii----ppppp! At least on the facial area. About the only problem I have, is that every freakin place in town that does this is owned by a filipino and I do have my issues with them because of my former step mommy. But regardless, I did go to one of their shops in the mall today and had one of the women, who looked just like the woman who stole my entire inheritance do my waxing. And man, it was nirvana, I tell you, nirvana!

First I was nervous because I knew I still had some residual dye on my skin. I didn’t want her to wax something that was merely dye. And then, like the place I went to last summer, the table I laid on was dirty. And then as soon as I laid down she said, “One eyebrow longer than other.” Oh great, she’s already pointing out my imperfections. That’s my job, bitch. And then after she did my eyebrows, she started smearing the hot wax above my lips and I said, “No”. That’s what the other place did too. Even though I clearly stated I only wanted the eyebrows and chin done, they try to get you to do the whole face by “accidently” applying wax elsewhere and hoping that you’ll say its ok. And then on the chin, it appeared that she only did it on both sides and not the middle and I was thinking, gee, I wonder if I’m getting a mohawk waxing, because that is sure gonna look weird.

And weird I actually did. My eyebrows are now...sinister looking. There is no curve to them. They are like straight across and then go up on the ends, which is what they do naturally, but I would have thought she could have used a little eyebrow feng shui. But now, with my BLACK eyebrows, I just kind of look like some kind of evil Kabuki evil Irish Kabuki character...kinda like a Seamus Osaka or something.

So maybe that’s what scared poor old Harold the Geek. He probably thought I was going to run him through with my Samauri sword and perform some kind of ritual on him. Of course anyone who tries to make me vote Republican? Well, there's no telling what could happen once he entered my domain....(evil laughter).

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty