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2005-12-03 @ 10:11 p.m.
hamster snow

Well, I guess all 5.6 million people in the tri-state area must have gotten the memo about me fixing the brakes on my car, because it seems that a couple of them wanted me to test them out. Because here's what happened, no less than 3 huge SUVs came flying out of nowhere at 157 mph during a mega snow storm, and then came skidding to within .0001Ē of witty's bumper with their brights on, trying to see if they could give me a heart attack. Did they? As Bush would say: "Mission Accomplished".

Okay, first of all, let me just admit, that yes, I am one of those grannies who have the unmitigated GALL to go 30 mph in a 35 mph zone during a snow storm that has snowflakes reminiscent of hamsters hitting the windshield. What? Youíve never heard of that rare weather phenomenon called Hamster Snow? Well, I actually have a picture of my car going through a stretch of it Friday afternoon.....

You thought I was kidding, didnít you? Well, I don't happen to have a Hummer with tires that requires the desecration of 3000 acres of rubber trees down in Argentina to drive through hamster slush. I just have my puny, little rusted out 13 year old Ford Tempo of Doom with an Austin Powers bumpersticker holding the fender on so YES, as a matter of fact, I do have to drive reallly slowly.

And ok, I admit it, I'm also a wimp about driving in the snow. Ya happy? But hey, I grew up in California, where if a cloud blocks the sun for 3 minutes, itís considered a ďstormĒ. So driving to work on Friday was like when Scatman Carother was driving to the Overlook Hotel in "The Shining" and Jack Nicholson was running around chasing Shelly Duvall with an axe yelling, ďHereís Johnny!Ē Scary.

I guess I was particularly annoyed because Iíve been nearly rammed in the ass three times in the last couple of days by large SUVs, and I was vaguely starting to wonder if I was being stalked. Married Guy has an SUV, although I canít remember what color it was, because he had just gotten a new one, right before we parted ways.

The first ramming incident occurred Tuesday night. We were right in the midst of a raging rain storm which quickly brought about flash flood warnings. And naturally rather than being safely ensconced in my nice snug apartment, I had to go to my art class board meeting at the height of the storm. All the streets were quickly flooding and it was the day I has just gotten my brakes fixed, so I was still driving rather cautiously because I had been conditioned to do so after two weeks of failing brakes. Huge pools of water were filling roadways and my car is little, so I was nervous about hydroplaning. Suddenly this huge SUV came out of nowhere and nearly went up over my roof. I was completely blinded by his bright lights which he flashed 5-6 times. But hell, I was driving through water that was nearly up to my fender and I wasnít about to speed. He finally went around me and blasted his horn.

Oh woe as me. He was probably late for a Dickheads Anonymous Meeting.

And then Friday, rain became snow and same thing. Some big, mega SUV, came flying out of nowhere, like a bat out of hell. Practically rammed me. He was maybe 2 feet from my snow and ice. Now how practical is that, dear sir? Yes, we know that your vehicle will crush mine, but just think how darn inconvenient it will be to clean my blood off your fender. Now that would be just plain yucky. And what about your insurance rates? I mean, woo! Or perhaps even double woo! Because its fairly obvious to me, that youíve done this sort of thing before. What you ask? Drive like a freakin' crackhead, ya freakin' crackhead! So donít slow down for me. Slow down for your insurance rates. That way you can buy some more crack.

...See how Iím helping?

And then there was the person today. Now these last two incidents occurred in almost the exact same location....the last mile coming into the Village. Yes, its true, we all want to get home to our beloved Village with its charming ambience, its gardens, its historical buildings and yes, even its one commercial blight enterprise....our equally beloved Target department store, but do we have to speed?

Because in the last two weeks, I have seen two multi-car accidents in the same location. Why? Because we all want to get home to the Village, of course!!! Or maybe its because some yuppie soccer mom behind me today was talking on her cell phone, slurping a Starbucks and possibly using one of those thigh exerciser thingies, because when I went to step on my brakes, to stop for someone turning onto a side street right before the Towne Centre (heh, heh, we even have the yuppie-esque spelling for our town center mall), I had to keep tap-tap-tapping on my brakes, like about 15 times before I got Jennifer Yuppieís attention to STOP. And I was watching her almost the whole time in my rear view mirror. I think she might have been Christmas shopping on her laptop or something, because of the stark terror on her face just before she nearly rammed me.

But you know what she did? She zoomed right around me, nearly ripping off my rear bumper, and then cut right back in front of me and voila! We both had to stop at the light at the Towne Centre about 400 feet further. Wow! Wasnít that worth it? If only I were just slightly more passive aggressive or homicidal, I might have followed her into the shopping centre (hee, hee -- yuppie spelling alert) and done something seriously devious like told her that she had some tofu stuck between her teeth or that her ass looked really fat in her Flax dress. Although something tells me that living in the Village now, Iíll probably have ample opportunities for stuff like that. :-)

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