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2005-12-15 @ 12:06 p.m.

We all know that the female breast holds a certain mystique for the male population, because its something only us girls have. A soft, pliable, rounded, beautifully design mound of womanly loveliness that provides both pleasure and nurture. I know I love mine. Every morning when I first wake up, once I get untangled from all the blankets, the first thing that I do is cop a feel. And yeah! I can do that! I have my own pair! And they feel sooo nice, as I run my hands over the smooth, creamy, nippled, soft warmth that lies beneath the covers. And this can go on anywhere from 1 minute to say, umm, around 20 minutes depending on whether my hand accidentally strays off course to the Garden of Eden.

Was it good for you??

And of course, boobs are no mystery to me. I've been going to a nude drawing class for over two years now. And I have seen every size, shape, and texture. I have seen the nearly nonexistent, the perky, the directionally challenged. I've seen nipples with jewelry poking through them. I've seen nipples stay erect for 3 hours. And rather interestingly, I've discovered that nipples come in all sizes, colors, shapes. So needless to say, the human body is truly an amazing creation.

But what I saw last night, was so frightening, so gut wrenchingly freakish, so nightmare producing, that I don't think I'll ever be the same again. We had our first female model with Store Bought Boobs. Big ones. Like the kind you see on porn-sites....not that I would know what they look like. Ok, I might have accidentally stumbled onto one once when I was looking for samples of nude paintings so that I could practice in-between classes. But let me tell you, seeing them on a tiny screen, and seeing them in person, is like two totally different things.

I hadn't gone to my class last week because of a big snow storm, so I was anxious to get back. I was heartily greeted by our Fearless Art Leader and then I looked around to see who our model was going to be. I saw this skinny chick wrapped in a blue robe sitting nearby and immediately thought, oh shit, a skinny chick!!! I absolutely hate drawing skinny models because they are SO BORING to draw. Its like drawing string. How interesting can that be? La, la, la. Done!! Yawn.

So I settled into my usual spot. We had more people than I thought we would, since it was so frigid out. And happily "L" the Hippie Chick was finally back. I hadn't seen her in over a month because she's been doing a local play and been in rehearsal and I had missed her. She's really my only female friend in town and we like to cackle together and gossip about people in the class. And she's very fond of Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy because she's known him since he was a little kid. So we caught up.

And then it was time for the skinny chick model to disrobe. A couple of minutes earlier I had yawned a few times. I had had a busy day. The model had looked down at me and asked me not to yawn. Was it said as a joke? No. I felt like she was laying down the law. So she finally took off her robe and....and... Well, as much as I hate to say any derogatory things about women's breasts, this woman had massive


She only weighed about 100 pounds. Her boobs comprised about 20 pounds of that. And it was immediately obvious that they wuz Store Bought, because she looked to be in her forties and a little homely and they were exactly round and did I mention


Holy shit, how do you even walk with those "things"? And the nipples were way up at the top, like aimed towards the ceiling, like hey, look at me, I can turn on light switches with my nipples. I mean, they looked so freaky. But I couldn't help but wonder, gee, are any of the guys in the class getting a woody over this? Because after all, she did have these massive...


Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, you're probably saying, oh witty, you're just jealous, since your boobs could probably fit in a shot glass. Hell no. I would never want those freakish things. Ever! Ewww!

And what was funny, was, she was one of the worst models we ever had. Models usually, well, ummm, model. As in, stand up, move around, pose. You know, model. Mega-boobs, just laid on the blankie and swiveled 360 degrees in 30 degree increments, I guess, so we all could take in her massive jugs awesome beauty. And you could just tell, how proud she was of her monumental love pillows, because between each pose, which evidently caused her a great deal of physical fatigue (lying inert does that, I guess), she would sit upright for about 2 minutes, and "sensuously" stretch her arms behind her, as in lets poke my


Way Out so everyone can enjoy them, as much as I do. Of course, everybody in the *** area code had to move, so as not to get poked in the eye with one of her razor sharp nipples. Think how easy opening Christmas presents must be for her. "Honey, can you loan me your nipple for a moment? I can't open this UPS box from Aunt Betty."

And she had one of the most sour expressions on her face ever. If I were a casting agent, I would probably cast her as the disdaining neighbor, or the snooty librarian, because she had one eyebrow permanently arched which made her look like some distant relative of Jack Nicholson. And then I started to wonder if it was due to some psychotic eyebrow plucking or whether she had just gotten some Botox done. Because she certainly did have this plastic fembot thang going for her. But why was only one eyebrow arched? Did she piss off her plastic surgeon mid-Botox shot and he wouldn't give her the second shot in the left eye, so now she looks like Bree Daniels on "Desperate Housewives" as directed by Stanley Kubrick.

I kind of giggled to myself, because she was obviously kind of needy. In-between sets, she went out to look at people's work which isn't really protocol for models. She obviously needed validation. One person behind me had drawn this really cool pencil drawing of her big mega boob body, but instead of drawing her face, they had drawn this really hideous skeletal monster head on her body. Its looked like something on the cover of a Stephen King novel. Hee, hee. The male gay artist next to me, actually didn't even draw her. He had drawn a cartoon version of some of the teenage artists who were sitting beyond the model. A later drawing of his, only concentrated on her face, which also looked kind of monsterly. I think he was traumatized by those massive, fake


And then some people started leaving early. A bunch of our young teenage artists, were sitting down on the floor in front of her chatting and looking at each other's sketchbooks. In other words, totally ignoring her. You could tell she was pissed. I kind of imagined, seeing her rise up and flames and lightening bolts shooting out of her eyes. But of course, that would be disastrous. Can you imagine if her boobs caught on fire? I think the whole Northern Hemisphere might be set aflame, but I'm just guessing.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty