People always look down their noses at memes, but I happen to like them. And when your day includes dyeing your eyebrows, laying on the couch and watching 1 movie and 5 straight episodes of "Six Feet Under" (yay! Netflixs is back!!) and sweeping snow off your porch so you won't fall on your ass while getting the mail, I don't think its a bad way to spend an evening. So here's a meme I stole from the ever-delightful yeahimadork. Feel the love...
1. How tall are you barefoot?
Thank god, we're asking vertical rather than horizontal. 5 foot, 3 inches.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Only pot from my friend's backyard. She used to fertilize it with cat poop from her mother's professional cat kennels. Needless to say, we'd smoke it and then be scratching for fleas and rolling around wanting our bellies scratched. Its was a little weird.
3. Do you own a gun?
No. I'm very. very, very ANTI-gun. I actually have that in my sMatch.com ad. "No NRA Neanderthals." First guy I went out with? After our second call he admitted he had rifles and hunted deer. That was a double no-no. Hunting innocent animals who have no defense? That's not a sport, that's just cruelty.
4. Rehab?
No. Only mental hospitals.
5. Would you ever "do" someone in their parent's bed?
Yes, of course. At age 47, their parents are probably 103, so what's the dif?
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Once in second grade I found a dead fly embedded inside a hot-dog at school. They've never really appealed to me after that.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Diet Coke with Lime.
9. Do you do push-ups?
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....next question.
10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
No.
11. Are you vegan?
I am the ANTI-vegan. I just wished I liked veggies better.
12. Do you like painkillers?
I live in constant pain from my fibromaylgia, so painkillers are just a part of my life. Do I like them like I like "Scrubs" or "The Office"? Not really.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Maybe my sense of humor and showing an interest in what they do.
14. Do you own a knife?
I have a vintage switchblade from my childhood that has a Mexican design with ornate inlaid roses in the handle. I used to secretly play with it when my mom wasn't looking. I thought I was one of the Jets from "West Side Story".
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
I'm bipolar...probably about the same thing.
16. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
I don't have any tattoos (yet), but the brief pain from the needles would be no problem.
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
Where is that lost paperwork from Medicaid?
I wonder what the next "Six Feet Under" is going to be about?
I wonder what Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy would look like naked? (the tattoo question reminded me of him, because he's full of vivid tattoos).
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Caramel sundae at McDonald's right before my 2 mile walk yesterday.
groceries
gas
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, orange juice, milk, Polar Dry orange.
20. What time did you wake up today?
10:45 a.m. Hey! Its Saturday! I had trouble getting to sleep last night!
21. Current hair?
Tousled, newly dyed, just below the shoulders, layered and sex-ay.
22. Current worry?
Lost paperwork for Medicaid, new huge Medicaid spend down (it went from $63/mo to $198/mo since Medicaid thinks I make $500 a month at my job. Yeah right. Not even close), my car making it through the winter, my weight, finding a date, being happy, not falling on my ass on our poorly maintained stairs at my apartment complex, trying not to kill my neighbor everytime she purposely turns on her shower when I go to start my shower. You got an hour?
23. Current hate?
All the hoopla over how Jennifer Anniston is feeling about Angelina Jolie being pregnant by Brad. I actually saw five seemingly college educated women on "The View" all bitching about Brad "dipping his stick" into someone besides Jennifer while they were married. My question is "why...is...this...so...fucking....important???" Because they are movie stars? Maybe their marriage was already over. People get married and divorced every day. The media has made this sound like the Apocalypse, casting Jen as the "victim" and Brad as the "cad" and Angelina as the "vixen". How do we even know this is how it played out? Maybe Jen was a bitch and didn't want to have children and Brad did and Angelina is obviously oozing motherhoodness (who would have known this a couple of years ago when she was smooching her brother on the Academy Awards and wearing vials of blood from her husband Billy Bob Thornton around her neck.) People change. Priorities change. But I was so disappointed at how these women on "The View" were ravaging everyone and using the "dipping his stick" metaphor so freely for laughs. Get a life, people.
24. Favorite place to be?
On a beach. Or in a theatre.
25. Least favorite place to be?
On the spot.
26. Where would you like to go?
Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art in NYC and back to the San Francisco Bay Area to visit my old haunts.
27. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
Winter: white cotton nightgown embroidered with violets. Summer: Nothing. :-)
28. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
Scenario #1: People will be clamoring for my artwork and I will be living in my own, nice house in the Village with my adoring husband Harold the Geek ...the much younger Pablo. Scenario #2: Living in my 47th apartment paid for by Section 8 and still getting food stamps. Come on witty, ya really gotta get going on this, because you really don't want to continue to live this way. Poverty tends to lose its charm after about the 10th year when you can't buy any new clothes because you have to constantly worry about paying the rent and saving money for the next major car repair bill.
29. Do you burn or tan?
I'm 3/4 Irish, so I burn about like a slab of bacon on a grill at the IHOP.
30. Last thing you ate?
Creamy lite raspberry and vanilla yogurt.
31. Would you be a pirate?
Only if Johnny Depp was the Captain.
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Not since about 1985 when a date tried to get me drunk. Bad Andre, bad!!
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower. I do, however, carry on lengthy one sided conversations with people I'm angry with. Its just something I do to cope.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Practically everything. I was very fearful as a child. There was The Thing UNDER THE BED. I also had to always check my closet....several times. And then there was that damn episode of "The Outer Limits" about this little girl who rolls off her bed into another dimension. YIKES!!!!! And her parents can't reach her, and all they can hear are her echoey cries for help through the walls. That show scared the livin' b'jesus out of me!! I had a single bed at the time and probably stayed clamped to the outer edge of it, terrified that I would fall "into another dimension" for like 2 months. I finally begged my mom to move the bed so it was in the middle of the room and not against the wall...so, you know, I wouldn't fall INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION and she finally did. See? I was angsty, even as a kid!
35. What's in your pockets right now?
Tiny clam shells from the lake. I got them for my art class Monday night. I'm going to crush them up so I can use them in my painting. My baby art boy teacher is going to be psyched!
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Without a doubt, this week's episode of "The Office". I almost choked with laughter when the geeky Dwight took off to help his boss Steve Carrell, who he idolizes and crashed his car into a telephone pole in his haste, and then gets out and vomits on his car and then gets back in and races to help him. It was so absurd. Heh. I guess you had to be there.
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
I had sheets with Snoopy that said, "Happiness is having friends over" with a bunch of little Woodstock birdies sitting on his doghouse. I actually still have the pillowcases.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I missed some stairs in California and fell onto a cement sidewalk and split the back of my head open. I was very dazed when I got up. I didn't have any health insurance, so I didn't call an ambulance, and just walked down the street, trying to find someone to help me, since I had mega blood streaming down my arm from the back of my head. First person I saw was my landlord's girlfriend and another woman, who fortuitously ended up being a nurse. They both blanched when they saw all the blood. The nurse lady did take me to her house across the street and put an ice pack on it and drove me to a medical center where they sewed it up with about 12 stitches. In the meantime I called my Dad and he came and got me. Besides the stitches, I had also sprained my neck when my head hit the cement and bounced really hard. My neck hurt for a good year and a half after it happened. I also nearly cut off the edge of my finger with an exacto knife. I had 7 stitches that day. I'm a little accident prone.
39. What are your dreams like?
I'm usually yelling at people I can't yell at in real life. I also have dreams that are a little on the unusual side like Volvos that talk and Mexicans swimming in the back of vans....things like that.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One, sistah. I don't have cable.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
Charlemagne the Obnoxious French Guy. No comparison.
42. Who is your most silent friend?
The invisible person who lives in my mouth.
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yes, I think so.
44. Do you wish on stars?
You mean like on Vin Diesel?
45. What is your favorite book?
A biography about photographer Diane Arbus
46. What is your favorite candy?
Dark Chocolate Nonpareils and then M&Ms
47. What song do you want played at your wedding?
"Wild Thing" by The Trogs
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
"Hit the Road, Jack" by Ray Charles 49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
Plotting world dominance...the same thing I do every night at 12 AM.
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