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2006-01-27 @ 10:44 a.m. |
I BELIEVE.......That if I see one more headline that reads: "Angelina collapses", "Jennifer hears about Brad's baby and explodes", "Angelina and Brad seen having fun on the beach with Zahara and Maddox", "Jennifer and Vince Vaughn seen kissing outside unidentified building", "Jennifer warns Angelina about Brad's infidelity", "Angelina goes into a restroom in Paris, crowd gathers", "Jennifer collapses after 3rd movie in a row flops", "Angelina adopts 3 more Sudanese kids plus a 33 year old Jewish guy from Queens", "Jennifer breaks a fingernail after Vince Vaughn falls on her during sex", "Angelina is taunted for sainthood, father Jon Voight seen leaving the Vatican" .....I WILL PERSONALLY HAVE TO FLY TO HOLLYWOOD AND OPEN A BIG OLD CAN OF SEVERELY PAINFUL WHOOP-ASS ON ALL YOU WHINY ASS, OVERPAID STUPID ASS CELEBRITIES! I COULD PROBABLY BUY A NEW CAR ON WHAT YOU SPEND ON SEXUAL LUBRICANTS. STOP HAUNTING MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. DON'T JUST THREATEN TO GO INTO HIDING...DO IT, YA FUCKING DRAMA QUEENS. WE'LL PROBABLY FORGET YOU IN FIVE MINUTES ANYWAYS. I BELIEVE.......That if I have to watch one more reality show where a has-been celebrity has to do something like dance or ice skate in a skimpy outfit with rhinestones and I have to look at Lisa Rinna and her supposedly perfect body, which to me actually looks like a overcooked SLAB of bacon with fake teeth and overprocessed hair. And do I have to mention those lips? My god, all I can think of when I look at those lips is an engorged labia. I used to watch her on "Days of our Lives" a long time ago and her lips in those days certainly didn't look like the work of the guy who flunked cosmetic surgery school. Don't get me wrong, she's a delightful girl and a hard worker, but maybe, dear Lisa, you should consider pulling the plug on your tanning bed and sticking a pin in those lips to see if they're done yet. And Tatum O'Neal? I know you've been needing a comeback, with your little drug problem and all but dancing? Don't you realize dearest that you're the butt of some terrible joke by some jaded Hollywood executive who wants to make fun of has-been, re-habbed movie stars? Don't worry Tatum. You'll no longer have to wear sequins or do those stupid, retarded promotional spots about (whispering) "the secrets in the "Dancing with the Stars" wardrobe room." You know why? ....BECAUSE I PLAN TO KIDNAP ALL THE TELEVISION EXECUTIVES, WHO THINK UP THIS CRAP AND FORCE THEM TO WATCH ACADEMY AWARD WINNING DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT TRULY IMPORTANT SUBJECTS LIKE EDUCATION AND THE HOLOCAUST AGAINST THEIR WILL AND SEE IF ANY OF THEM HAVE A CONSCIENCE! AND THEN IF THEY DON'T, I'M GONNA STRAP ON A PAIR OF ICE SKATES AND MAKE THEM SKATE IN FEATHERS AND SEQUINS TO A DAVID HASSELHOFF SONG AND SEE HOW THEY FUCKING LIKE IT. I BELIEVE.......That if I have one more 2006 Mercedes SUV nearly ram into the back of my car coming up the hill into the Village when I have to turn....half way up the hill, because you are talking on your fucking gold plated cell phone to your Kabala instructor or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your transsexual hairdresser named Fifi who randomly asks you to take a picture of your newly waxed eyebrows with that cell phone while you're driving 90 mph in a 30 mph zone during a blinding snow storm behind a crappy Ford Tempo that has a hole in their gas tank, that can't go very fast and when you hit me, it will blow up the entire Village including your stupid little siliconed boobs and liposunctioned tummy and highlighted hair and manicured and pedicured digits and possibly your Scottish Terrier Ted in the back seat of your car all because your attention was being diverted by that fucking cellphone which is monumentally unsafe, in case you haven't noticed, you stupid miserable twat ...I WILL HAVE TO COME TO YOUR MANSION, BURN IT TO THE GROUND AND THEN FORCE YOU TO NOT WEAR MAKEUP, NOT USE YOUR CELL PHONE AND TO DRESS IN CLOTHES FROM THE SALVATION ARMY FOR A PERIOD OF ONE YEAR OR UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOUR STUPIDITY! WHICHEVER COMES FIRST. Older Entries |
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty |
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