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2006-02-23 @ 11:30 a.m.
when hiding out seems like the only option

I really need to grow a spine or balls or something so I wonít have to go through what I went through at work yesterday. Jesus! I had a major scaredy episode which involved running and hiding by cars, taking stairs instead of elevators, skipping out on leading a support group, hiding in my bossí office pretending to arrange furniture, asking coworkers if there was an emergency exit so I could escape without being seen (I had two different answers. One said this back door had an alarm on it and one said it didnít and I sure as hell didnít want to set off an alarm whilst crawling along the floor, commando style, trying to escape my office so that somebody wouldnít see me). I finally had my case manager play defense for me and check out the reception area, where this toxic, scary person was last seen and made sure they werenít lurking and then made a break for it and ran down 3 flights of stairs faster than a skeleton run at the Olympics.

Who was I avoiding? The lesbian client whoís purportedly in love with me. Now I wasnít just avoiding her because 1) Sheís a lesbian or 2) because sheís in love with me. Oh no. She is now starting to do weird things, like leave long scary, pleading messages on my voice mail asking me to meet up with her again. If you donít remember the story, she was the person who two weeks sooooo angry with me, for totally unknown reasons, that she refused to get into my car (I was responsible for her safety since I was ďon the jobĒ) and then she ďfiredĒ me for the second time in two weeks because, as she told my boss ďshe was in love with meĒ and now she realizes that she will lose all her privileges with our agency. Its funny how mean Ďol witty is suddenly starting to look pretty good again. And I guess sheíll have to overlook the fact that sheís in love with me, and that I ďabandoned herĒ ("Hey Leo -- Can you run the footage of her in that parking lot ignoring my pleas to get into the freakiní car two weeks ago? Thanks!Ē) and that I supposedly ďhate gay peopleĒ (another quote to my boss). Fuck woman, my best friend is a gay man.

So does any of this make sense to you? Yeah, me either.

And this is only the beginning. She has also been calling all of my coworkers and begging them to be her (my job title). Sheís left like 5-8 messages for my boss in like a day and a half. Sheís even called the two chicks I work with on my Empowerment group. Friday is her birthday. She asked them if it would be okay to bring in a birthday cake and some people and have a birthday party for herself during our group. They initially said okay because they didnít know all the weirdness going on. But when I heard that yesterday during our meeting I freaked. I wasnít about to celebrate this womanís birthday and have a party for her. My first thought was more in the vein of a potential restraining order. Sheís doing a head game. Because I had also just talked to my boss and she had said my former client had been ranting and raving about how angry she was at me during the group. So I surely donít want to sit in a room with psycho-bitch and somehow get blamed if her hair catches on fire. Because it seems, I get blamed for everything that happens...just by merely existing to this woman. And the strange thing is. I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. In fact, I have helped her in about 900 different ways. I have helped her with stuff I didnít have to because I wanted her to succeed. I like helping people. I know I come across as gnarly and sarcastic sometimes, but I am really very kind hearted in person.

So I donít know what to do. Today when I saw her walking into the building, I actually ran back to my car and waited for about 5 minutes. I scare very easily. I hate confrontations. My boss, thankfully, is very much on my side. The thing is, I am really starting to tire of working with ill people. Iíve had 4 clients and have lost 3 of them. I donít do well with the one-on-one thang. I prefer working groups, but unfortunately, thatís not my job. I guess Iím also tired of constantly having to relate to unhealthy people and seemingly perpetuate what are largely unhealthy relationships. Iím trying to recover from that stuff. I mean, that was one of the reasons I finally dropped out of my survivorís group. I was tired of listening to all their never ending negative crap. Two of the three women just never tried to get better. They choose to remain stuck and seemed to relish their roles as victims. I never did. Its an uphill battle for sure, but if you can get positive support from even one person, its a good start. Iím supposed to be that person for my clients. A professional friend. I just donít think Iím well suited for it.

ďAĒ is my support and even though he is rough on me sometimes, and I get annoyed with his unwavering campaign to sign me up at, he has done a great job the last ten years. Iíve probably cried about enough tears to fill two Olympic sized pools, but heís never given up on me. I just donít know if I have what it takes to do this job. Its bringing me down and now Iím afraid to walk into my office because Iím afraid Iíll bump into a woman who hates me for helping her. This is not what I signed up for.

I did go to my drawing class last night. I was so upset and uptight I wanted to do something to get my mind off things. We had an Asian model who did a twisty Picasso-esque pose which I kinda liked. Maybe I can make a living as an artist when I grow up someday....

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty