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2006-02-23 @ 11:30 a.m.
when hiding out seems like the only option


I really need to grow a spine or balls or something so I won�t have to go through what I went through at work yesterday. Jesus! I had a major scaredy episode which involved running and hiding by cars, taking stairs instead of elevators, skipping out on leading a support group, hiding in my boss� office pretending to arrange furniture, asking coworkers if there was an emergency exit so I could escape without being seen (I had two different answers. One said this back door had an alarm on it and one said it didn�t and I sure as hell didn�t want to set off an alarm whilst crawling along the floor, commando style, trying to escape my office so that somebody wouldn�t see me). I finally had my case manager play defense for me and check out the reception area, where this toxic, scary person was last seen and made sure they weren�t lurking and then made a break for it and ran down 3 flights of stairs faster than a skeleton run at the Olympics.

Who was I avoiding? The lesbian client who�s purportedly in love with me. Now I wasn�t just avoiding her because 1) She�s a lesbian or 2) because she�s in love with me. Oh no. She is now starting to do weird things, like leave long scary, pleading messages on my voice mail asking me to meet up with her again. If you don�t remember the story, she was the person who two weeks ago...got sooooo angry with me, for totally unknown reasons, that she refused to get into my car (I was responsible for her safety since I was �on the job�) and then she �fired� me for the second time in two weeks because, as she told my boss �she was in love with me� and now she realizes that she will lose all her privileges with our agency. Its funny how mean �ol witty is suddenly starting to look pretty good again. And I guess she�ll have to overlook the fact that she�s in love with me, and that I �abandoned her� ("Hey Leo -- Can you run the footage of her in that parking lot ignoring my pleas to get into the freakin� car two weeks ago? Thanks!�) and that I supposedly �hate gay people� (another quote to my boss). Fuck woman, my best friend is a gay man.

So does any of this make sense to you? Yeah, me either.

And this is only the beginning. She has also been calling all of my coworkers and begging them to be her (my job title). She�s left like 5-8 messages for my boss in like a day and a half. She�s even called the two chicks I work with on my Empowerment group. Friday is her birthday. She asked them if it would be okay to bring in a birthday cake and some people and have a birthday party for herself during our group. They initially said okay because they didn�t know all the weirdness going on. But when I heard that yesterday during our meeting I freaked. I wasn�t about to celebrate this woman�s birthday and have a party for her. My first thought was more in the vein of a potential restraining order. She�s doing a head game. Because I had also just talked to my boss and she had said my former client had been ranting and raving about how angry she was at me during the group. So I surely don�t want to sit in a room with psycho-bitch and somehow get blamed if her hair catches on fire. Because it seems, I get blamed for everything that happens...just by merely existing to this woman. And the strange thing is. I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. In fact, I have helped her in about 900 different ways. I have helped her with stuff I didn�t have to because I wanted her to succeed. I like helping people. I know I come across as gnarly and sarcastic sometimes, but I am really very kind hearted in person.

So I don�t know what to do. Today when I saw her walking into the building, I actually ran back to my car and waited for about 5 minutes. I scare very easily. I hate confrontations. My boss, thankfully, is very much on my side. The thing is, I am really starting to tire of working with ill people. I�ve had 4 clients and have lost 3 of them. I don�t do well with the one-on-one thang. I prefer working groups, but unfortunately, that�s not my job. I guess I�m also tired of constantly having to relate to unhealthy people and seemingly perpetuate what are largely unhealthy relationships. I�m trying to recover from that stuff. I mean, that was one of the reasons I finally dropped out of my survivor�s group. I was tired of listening to all their never ending negative crap. Two of the three women just never tried to get better. They choose to remain stuck and seemed to relish their roles as victims. I never did. Its an uphill battle for sure, but if you can get positive support from even one person, its a good start. I�m supposed to be that person for my clients. A professional friend. I just don�t think I�m well suited for it.

�A� is my support and even though he is rough on me sometimes, and I get annoyed with his unwavering campaign to sign me up at sMatch.com, he has done a great job the last ten years. I�ve probably cried about enough tears to fill two Olympic sized pools, but he�s never given up on me. I just don�t know if I have what it takes to do this job. Its bringing me down and now I�m afraid to walk into my office because I�m afraid I�ll bump into a woman who hates me for helping her. This is not what I signed up for.

I did go to my drawing class last night. I was so upset and uptight I wanted to do something to get my mind off things. We had an Asian model who did a twisty Picasso-esque pose which I kinda liked. Maybe I can make a living as an artist when I grow up someday....





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