2006-03-22 @ 11:46 a.m.
Heh, heh, heh. Remember this photo, Dad? You were being such a dork. And people wonder where I get it from.
I miss you so much. I don’t know if you remember, since you had Alzheimer’s when you died, but today is the third anniversary of your death. Yeah. Totally sucks. Both the Alzheimer’s and the death part. Especially since you were still so physically healthy. The last time I saw you in Virginia we even went hiking up in the Blue Ridge Mountains and took a tour down into some caverns, where you asked me to hold your hand when it got slippery. It was the first time you had asked to hold my hand in like 35 years and once I grabbed it, I really didn’t want to let it go especially since I knew what was coming. The filipino whore wife was taking you to the Philippines and I would never see you again. Sure we sat on your couch that first morning of my visit and you said you would pay for an airline ticket to Bohols, but by the last day of my visit, I pretty much knew that was just a hollow offer. I also know that I was never going to be seeing you again because your demonbitchwifefromhell was going to go into hiding until you granted her the biggest wish she ever wished for. Your death and lots o’ money. Yay! But I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, even though she’s like a gaping wound that just won’t seem to heal.
So lets talk about us. We were good together. I was just like you, except for your vast consumption of alcohol. It took me a while to forgive you for being an alcoholic when I was a kid, but I finally did, because I think you were just masking depression with that lubricant called Seagrams Seven. Once we got you to the right therapist and he got you on depression meds, the need for alcohol totally diminished and I had the Dad I always knew was buried under the drunken hazes. A nice, thoughtful man. Uncomplicated. Kind to animals (how many cats did you rescue now?). Its funny how we never argued. Sure we disagreed politically, although you finally came around for your last political election and voted for Democrat Bill Clinton and I was thrilled. Although did you always have to call him “Slick Willy”? Sheesh Dad, that sounded like a porno name.
What I liked about our relationship was how uncomplicated it was. There were no hidden agendas. Or guilt. And your love was so unconditional. I didn’t have to act or look a certain way in order to gain acceptance like I did with mom. You just accepted me like I was and there was no pressure to be anything that I wasn’t. I miss that.
I know you didn’t exactly understand my artistic leanings, but then again you weren’t a creative sort. You did support my writing though. You had a large drawer full of all the articles I published and you were thrilled when I let you read a couple of the scripts that I wrote and that meant so much to me.
Remember our car rides? They were like the best part of my childhood and adulthood. We would leave my mom to her own devices and then just take off in the car for long rides out to the ocean or up over the hills to Napa Valley or even to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. I figure since you were a pilot, traveling was probably in your blood but I just liked being with my Dad. Especially with no mom around to muck it up with arguing or neediness or screaming “Watch out for the deer!” when it was really just a shadow on the road. We would just sit in the car and enjoy the views. We didn’t even have to talk. We liked being with each other. It was comfortable. I really wish I could find somebody like that now. I miss just being quiet and comfortable with someone and not worrying about entertaining them or being a primo jokester. Although I do remember being able to make you laugh. I have videos where you are laughing at one of my many ongoing monologues. You did laugh alot despite being depressed most of your life. I think I got that from you. The gift of laughter.
I was glad you got to meet “A” that one time when you visited. Instead of it being (cue dramatic music)....Dad gets ambushed in the shrink’s office, it was just an enjoyable half hour session where you got to talk to “A” about all your hopes and dreams for me and yeah, I guess you kinda bashed my mother just a teeny bit. But I had just moved out of her house and that first year was hellish. I think “A” later noted how similar we seemed and that he really liked you and “A” isn’t always forthcoming with stuff like that.
Unfortunately it was the loneliness thing that finally got you in the end, Dad. The picking a wife out of a magazine thing. And “A” wonders why I am so hesitant about meeting a stranger out of cyberspace. I guess its because I saw, first hand, what a huge disaster it can be. A loveless marriage with a woman who mocked her husband behind his back and than stole his money. You deserved so much better. SO MUCH BETTER!
And I worry about making a similar mistake. I think that has been why I’ve been so out of sorts and angry the last few weeks. Loneliness. Its a very strong emotion, which at times can cloud your decision making abilities and then what? I guess I’m so afraid of making a mistake, that I just step back and make the decision not to make a decision. Is that a good decision, Dad? I know you would have wanted me to be happy and find someone to love me.
Oh well. I have to go to work now. And I figure the Heaven Noon News is about to come on and I know how much you like watching the news. So I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you today. And also wishing you were here so we could maybe take a ride out over the hills and talk about life, the weather, the cats....you know, the stuff we used to talk about. Take care, Dad. I love you.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty