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2006-04-25 @ 12:35 p.m.
the nearly fatal cat punting incident

I've always been a little paranoid about being filmed in my every day life. Once when I mentioned I dropped an earring in Married Guy's massage room when I was already nekkid and getting ready for a massage, he told me "Yeah, I know, I saw you crawling around on the floor on the massage-cam". Ack.

And then there's my well founded concern that the smoke detector mini-cam above my bed is somehow linked to some massive satellite cable TV system and my energetic boinking with battery operated devices is somehow being beamed out to the masses not to mention my 48 co-apartments, which I think is why everyone has been wanting to inexplicably buy stamps from me (wink, wink), "use" (cough) my can opener and even borrow my....

plunger, baby!

....All in a concerted effort to get near a Superstar.....someone who's every move is so sexually charged or so downright funny, that people just want to get near me. Although, sadly, once they do, they are somewhat intimidated by my brilliance, much in the same way people are intimidated by perhaps a Charles Chaplin or a Mikhail Baryshnikov and so I lead a sad and lonely life. But I can live with it, since I take some comfort in my own incredible brilliance....and humility.

Take tonight for instance. I was sitting at my computer and I remembered that I had bought a twelve pack of Double Bubble gum this afternoon at the art store. So I started unwrapping pieces of gum and stuffing them in my mouth and soon I had all 12 pieces of Double Bubble gum going simultaneously and I was like wow, this is sure a lot of gum and then I started laughing, thinking, wouldn't it be sad if I suddenly choked and couldn't get to the phone and the newspaper headline in three weeks (after Guardcat had eaten all my fingers, and toes and other extremities), would read: "Woman's Life Claimed by Double Bubble Gum. Well-Fed Cat Found Nearby Licking its Ass".

So I started walking towards my kitchen and suddenly felt this incredible urge to do the Monty Python FUNNY WALK because the Beatles song "All you need is love" was on and the song just seemed to scream out for a Monty Python FUNNY WALK, so I'm FUNNY WALKING towards the kitchen and suddenly my cat appears out of nowhere and thinks I'm playing with know since I kinda look like a big mega squirrel cheeked woman doing a Monty Python FUNNY WALK....

Unfortunately though, I think the 12 pieces of Double Bubble gum kind of threw me off balance, because as I neared the kitchen, mid-FUNNY Monty Python WALK, I somehow managed to totally nail my cat in the head with my foot. Oh man, I felt so bad. Poor kitty, kitty. Death by Big Stupid Woman.

Fortunately, since I'm not particularly adept at the Monty Python FUNNY WALK and I was also thrown off balance by the 23 pounds of Double Bubble gum I had in my mouth, Guard Cat did survive the cat-punting incident. I did kinda of surreptitiously wonder if it had been caught on the wittykitty cam though. I certainly hope so, since it was pretty funny.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty