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2006-08-01 @ 1:46 a.m.
elvi confetti and the icky lemur thing

I'm not sure why I kept waiting for a punchline when my mom was telling me about her latest Gay Elvis outing. He actually wasn't doing Elvis for this gig. He was the opening act for some older Elvis impersonator dude who evidently had a lot of money. He had Gay Elvis as his opening act and was going to be arriving via a helicopter and parachuting down into all his adoring fans. I mean, does that not sound like some sad joke waiting a punchline? Like..."and then Elvis jumped and he got sucked up into the blades of the helicopter and then showered down amid his adoring fans in tiny pieces of Elvis confetti.

Very reality television if you ask me.

And then my mom was telling me about the crowd and how shocked she was that 3/4 of the women weighed more then 300 pounds and needed the assistance of motorized carts.

Well, duh! It's an old dude with black Elvis hair jumping out of a helicopter in a freakin' cow field. It's not like a camera panning in on a Phish concert. Its only a bunch of old women in stretchy pants and kitten t-shirts, mom. What did you expect? I mean, at this very moment, Walmart is probably losing big bucks, because their main demographic, 300 pound women in stretchy pants and kitten tee-shirts, have emptied their stores and are now excitedly waiting "Apocalypse Now - The Elvis Edition" with a single helicopter lazily circling a cowfield with an old dude with Elvis sideburns trying to strap on a shiny rhinestone encrusted parachute, so that he can jump out over a pavilion where a bunch of women who paid $15 to see him lip-synch "Love Me Tender" are waiting. OK, so he might have taken a few nips of Jack Daniels before he got on the helicopter, you know, because he has never jumped out of a helicopter since....well, you know....ever. But he's good now. He can see all the women waiting. You could too, since they weigh 300 pounds. I even think the Google satellite system is picking them up. Or maybe thats just his Elvis jumpsuit in all its silvery white splendor.

But back down on earth the music is being cued via cell phone. Its the music from "Space Odyssey 2001" and Old Elvis is getting ready to jump. And the women down below are screaming. What are they screaming? For a moment it sounds like: "Elvis...Elvis...Elvis". But if you actually really listen it sounds a little more like "Don't do it! You're gonna die, old man! Don't do it!!" But Old Elvis is like the penultimate entertainer, and besides, he paid $500 to rent the damn helicopter and he's going to jump and sing no matter what. At least that's the plan. So he takes one last nip off Old Jack and then leaps out of the helicopter. There is a large collective gasp as he hurtles down towards earth faster than Mel Gibson's popularity with the Jewish Defense League. Did he make it?

Well, tonight I had to sit and listen to my mom talk about how he wasn't wearing any underwear and how his penis was just sort of wiggling around like some wild lemur under his silvery white polyester jumpsuit. Can you imagine? Elvis not wearing underwear? But worse yet....discussing some old Elvis guy's penis with your mother?? Ugh! Its no wonder I'm still in therapy after nearly 30 years. Because there are just some images you can't get out of your head and a loose saggy Elvis lemur is one of them.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty