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2006-08-02 @ 10:13 p.m.
heat, large insects, national stupid people week, its all here

Even though I was a journalism major and have worked on newspapers since the sixth grade (my first gig being Joke Editor. I’d be sitting on the school bus in the morning and little kids would come up to me with scraps of paper with naughty jokes scrawled on them. It was like totally appalling. And I went to a Catholic school too!!). But I would never be able to be the editor of a newspaper. Why? Because of my monumental indecisiveness. I would be sitting at my desk going...okay which story do I want to lead with? The kittens in the tree or the police chief gets caught in a threesome? Hmmm. Well, kitties are kinda cute. But the police chief thing is pretty juicy. Although we actually have photos of the kitties. And I really don’t want to piss off the police chief in case I get pulled over on a traffic stop. And besides that one kitties kinda looks like Guardcat when she was little. Although I do have a commitment to the community to report the news. But awwww, kitttttty!!!!!!

See what I mean?

I go through that same thing with my diary. What story do I lead with. Yeah, like I really have such a stunningly exciting life that this is really an issue you’re probably thinking. Well delusional girls are kind of delicate, so, you know, play along, okay? Besides, as you know, I always have a lot to say, even though not much is happening, kind of like “Seinfeld”, and look how long he ran!

So what stories are in the hopper for this edition? Well, I thought I would put bullets so it would look kind of official and also because I can. So here goes....

  • The Acquisition of a Large Insect for my Apartment.

  • National Stupid People Week. (this may be an ongoing series of articles)

  • The Hottest Day of the Year followed by the Worst Crack of Lightening evah!.

  • A Cool New Game for Drivers which I believe may have started in my town. I’m thinking Dateline may be doing a story on it shortly.

  • The first episode of wittykitty’s new Cooking Show.

    So those are the subjects I’m trying to organize into a dazzling entry. And as you can see, all of them are of an equal caliber of excitement. And I even left out the “wittykitty rediscovers her vast vibrator collection after three months of nun-like behavior.” I didn’t want it to get mixed in with the Large Insect paragraph.

    There are actually several of these could get tied together perhaps. Like People Acting Stupid because its hot out or witty’s cooking and the rediscovery of her vibrators. But no, I jest. You definitely don’t want me cooking anywhere near your naughty bits since I tend to forget that I’m cooking and end up with things that look like this....

    I actually have the pan flipped upsidedown over the scanner, but ha-ha, nothing is falling out, you’ll notice. Why? Because I have cooked myself a delicious pan of pasta de’la spackle. That’s what I had for dinner tonight. That and burned chicken. Yay me. The super secret wittykitty's cooking sucks diet!! Bwahahahahaha!!

    And to think I once dated a man who could cook. Do you know how hard I wished that relationship would work out? He was so angelic and lovely he used to volunteer his time cooking down at the Salvation Army on the weekend. Plus he was cute! And the Thanksgiving we were dating, he invited me and a bunch of coworkers over and cooked a huge Thanksgiving meal all by his little handsome self. And I was practically praying novenas that he would fall hopelessly in love with me, but alas, I was far too old for him and perhaps far too plump and besides he was practically a supermodel, plus he played sports! How could an artist and a baseball player ever marry? Except Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio and we all know how that ended up. Anyhoo..

    Did I mention its been hot? Like global warming on my head. Yeah, I know, everyone’s been hot, but when I heard it was 110 degrees yesterday, thanks to our humidity, I figured reading diaries while doing the Full Monty was perfectly acceptable. Fortunately I have one tiny air conditioner right directly in front of my face at the computer.

    But I did have an hankering for ice cream yesterday. And I did have to go out briefly to bring our art class newsletter to our Fearless Art Leader. Believe me, I really didn’t want to go anywhere, especially since it felt like an oven blast as soon as I opened the door. And even walking to my car naked wouldn’t have really been all that cooling.

    So I dropped off the newsletter and that was my first brush with National Stupid People’s Week. My own. I never saw the newsletter I did last month printed out, so I just repeated a lot of stuff from that, but Fearless said he did print it, and then I felt like a geek for redoing alot of the same material. Sheesh! Good thing it was National Stupid People’s Week. I think that might make me eligible for some kind of immunity, thank goodness.

    I then headed back to the Village and hit Sno Top for some ice cream. I was going to (ahem) smartly get a Flurrie in a cup, but since we were clearly in the middle of National Stupid People’s Week, I decided to order one of those SOFT ice cream cones, chocolate dipped, you know, the ones which the moment they hit the 110 degree heat immediately melted into 22 ounces of sticky goo all over my hand and sandals. Nice going, witty! Natually I tried to remedy the situation by trying to put nearly the whole thing into my mouth. So why oh why did the guy next to me have to watch with such utter fascination? Yeah, I know I haven't had a date since the 80's either sweetie....

    Anyways, driving home I witnessed the newest and coolest new game to hit my hometown in a really long time. Its called, “Red Light? I don’t see no stinkin’ Red Light!” Its a great game and anybody can play it. I realize its been around for a really long time, but I’ve really been noticing it a lot since the appearance of these billboards around town.

    The famous “Screw It” billboards, and I am totally convinced, that its been these billboards that have given drivers just the tiniest push to play this game in earnest. Because I would say at least 4-5 times in the last two weeks, I have been sitting waiting at a red light, when the car next to me will just randomly get tired of waiting and then gun their engine and run a red light. As in, just “Screw it”.... I’m tired of waiting and beside, these silly old red lights aren’t any different then those silly old stop signs, so I’ll just blow through this intersection and get thee on thy way. Did someone pass a law and didn’t tell me?

    With the heat, we’ve also been having some really horrible storms. I think we’ve broken the record for the wettest July ever. No meandering gentle rainy afternoons. No. We’ve been having wildly violent storms that blow up in like 15 minutes with severe thunder and lightening, flash flooding, even tornados. We don’t even usually have tornadoes around here, but I guess suddenly we're making like Kansas and having them.

    So when do you think today’s torrential flooding storm hit today? Go ahead guess? The fifteen minutes I was driving home. Yup! It was raining so hard I couldn’t even see out of the windshield. Roads were under water. So what do I need to do? Oh stop over to a dairyshop for an ice cream cone. Are we seeing a pattern here? So I hopped out of my car during the height of the worst storm in the history of mankind. I went in at the same time as this old man. The old man told the young kid clerk, “So sonny, did you order this rain?” Of course the kid ignored him, like you old turd, I’m only making minimum wage, so shut the fuck up.

    Anyways I got my ice cream and was paying for it. The rain was hitting the glass doors really hard and then there was the biggest flash of lightening I’ve ever seen. Both the kid and I saw it. Both glass doors blew open and the windows on the store noticeably rippled with the force of the thunder. We both turned to each other and went “whoa!”

    Fortunately by time I got home, even though there was still thunder and lightening afoot, the rain had let up which was good, since I was carrying in a large cloth butterfly I had gotten at work. A couple a weeks ago a male Hispanic coworker has put up this large bamboo and cloth butterfly in his cubical. I always admired it when I went by and even though I didn’t know him, one day I finally stopped and said I liked it. He said somebody had given it to him and thanks. Well, on Monday I noticed it was off his wall and just laying on a nearby empty desk, so I got up my courage and asked him if he was getting rid of it. He said yes (I guess butterflies aren’t manly), so I snagged it. Its almost large enough to make it into a headboard for my bed. So that’s the story of the Large Insect in my apartment. Did I cover everything?

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