2006-08-22 @ 12:54 a.m.
So did you see that bright flash over the Eastern Seaboard about 9:40 a.m. this morning? Oh, it was just me having a complete and total meltdown in my car. Iíve been feeling pretty low this last week. Not exactly sure whatís happened. I had been doing really well lately. Being all feisty. Trying new things like going to strangerís houses after my art class. Dancing at weddings. I had even made up a bunch of post-its with things I wanted to work on and put them on my refrigerator like: ďRelaxĒ and ďAccept PeopleĒ. I had made them shortly after my big blow out with the cops and Garden Hacker Guy. Why? Because I am determined to whip this bipolar thing and be a happy and healthy person, because I think this will lead to a happy and healthy relationship with someone. At least thatís my theory.
Iíve almost always lived internally. Sure Iíve had friends over the years. Some really good ones, especially my best friend ďGĒ down in Manhattan. Hi "G"! But I really havenít made any new ones since I moved to New York 15 years ago. Married Guy doesnít count. He wasnít really a friend. He was more a fixation. I yearn for real friendships. People I can rely on. Relationships that are equal. Most of mine have been lopsided, since Iíve always been pretty needy.
But the good news is, that last night I was reading my diary from 2001 and I feel like 1000% healthier than I was then. I was pretty ill then. Okay, very ill. Of course that was at the very tail end of my time with my beloved Dad.
The last time I saw my Dad was the last week in August, 2001. I had driven down to Roanoke, Virginia in an attempt to stop his filipino whore wife from taking him to the Philippines. But he was deep into Alzheimerís territory and he was very confused by things. He was telling stories about putting a mountain lion in the backseat of his Mercedes and taking it back to the wilderness. I was pretty devastated by things. My relationship with my Dad had ended at that point. I took the blame naturally. ďAĒ had tried to hook us up via the phone right before he left, but my Dad was yelling on the phone, because I had accused his wife of stealing from him (she was) and I couldnít stand hearing him yell at me. He had never yelled at me in my entire life. We had always had a great relationship and having him choose some sleazy whore out of a mazagine over me was too much for me. So I guess Iíve been thinking of that anniversary. I miss his immensely.
But that really wasnít what the meltdown was about. I think it was about frustration. Iíve been really frustrated with work lately. People not showing up for appointments. People not showing up for groups. People blowing off their responsibilities with no explanation. People scheduling meetings and then canceling and not telling anyone. Or people just randomly moving them an hour earlier and then when you walk in from another meeting, the room is either empty or theyíre walking out saying, ďOh, PoPo couldnít make it at 2:00, so we had the meeting without you. She had to go to a nail appointment. Hope you donít mind.Ē
I do fucking mind!
You asked me to be on this frickiní committee. I drove a 18 mile round trip to help you plan a large event in October, of which I have 12 million times more experience than anyone here and then you just randomly meet while Iím at another meeting because some chick has to jet to a nail appointment? Why didnít you tell me this in advance? I could have changed my earlier meeting. And by the way...I just lost pay. I work hourly, ya know. Remember?
Plus Iím under the mistaken impression that I can save people I work with from making mistakes. Guess what? I canít. Bugger! I even asked ďAĒ for advice on one person. I knew they were heading for major problems. But I couldnít save them. I felt like I had failed. I now have another client who is on the verge of inheriting a large sum of money. Her family is perched like a huge flock of vultures ready to steal it. I donít want them to. Sheís a nice lady. But who the hell am I? Nobody. I just take this stuff too personally. I know I come across as cynical and snarky, but in reality, Iím not. I hate seeing people get hurt or ripped off.
I think that is the big difference in my life from five years ago. I used to have everything very tightly under control. Life was safe and predictable. I was only responsible for myself. I was afraid of making mistakes so I wouldnít try anything new. Now Iím working with a very volatile population (mentally ill people). Iím leaving the house again. Iím talking to people. Iím also doing art, which, when I started three years ago was very controlled. I was very afraid of making mistakes, but now I revel in the No Rules credo. Its the first time Iíve "let" myself be free in anything...ever. And who knows where thatíll lead. Heh, heh.
About the only new thing Iím not so thrilled with is Anger. Wow. Its like a bottomless pit lately. And the switch is flicked so easily. Garden Hacker Boy is at it again and this week I was once again besides myself with anger. He has cut down this stunningly beautiful 10 feet by 35 ft long thick lush evergreen hedge down to practically nothing. To me it is beyond comprehension as to why anyone would do that. It protects our courtyard from the weather. It provides privacy. It blocks us from looking at the cars in the parking lot. Its beautiful. Plus it provides homes for many, many birds. GONE. I canít even stomach looking out there anymore. I have my whole porch covered with shades and plastic now.
The meltdown however, came on the way to work this morning. I had to walk by this monstrosity on the way to my car. By time I had driven about a mile I was crying. By time I was about 3 miles out, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I was screaming everything I wanted to say to that bastard. And I was really screaming. Like the worst screaming you can do. And I didnít realize that my one car window was open, so pretty much everyone on the boulevard was hearing me. I actually think people in Canada probably heard me too.
So by time I got to work, I could barely talk. I sounded like Bette Davis after she smoked 300 packs of cigarettes, so I had to nurse a Ginger Ale during our meeting because my throat hurt so much. I felt like an idiot. What good was that? All over a stupid bush. But it was really about something else. It was about lack of control of a situation. I have absolutely no recourse and its supremely frustrating.
The day did get a little better. I did my Emp0werm3nt group with ďJĒ. Talk about irony, huh? As usual our attendance was miserable. Only one person. But this guy is an artist. Heís an extremely negative person who constantly puts himself down. Its painful to listen to, but weíre trying to help him with that. He had mentioned that he had an art show at a local venue. So after about fifteen minutes, since it was just the three of us, I suggested that we go to our clientís art show. I figured if it was good enough to be hung at a local venue, it was probably pretty decent. Naturally all the way over, he was like, ďOh, its not good. You donít have to like it, if you donít want to.Ē And I was sternly telling him, ďLet us be the judge of that!Ē since he knows Iím an artist too. So we got to the place and saw his work (about 15 pieces) and they were very good. Several pieces were excellent. So we let him talk about them. I asked him questions about what medium he used. When they were done. Where he got the ideas from. Who they were. He was very animated. And you know what? Not once did he put himself down. Or talk about his voices. Or anything. He was just discussing his art. And it was obvious he was very proud of his work and was very happy that we were there looking at it. And then when we got back to the office, he thanked us profusely and was all smiles. It was great!
Now see, that's what Emp0werm3nt is all about! And it even helped ease the pain of my meltdown earlier...even though my throat is still kinda raw tonight.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty