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2006-08-25 @ 10:48 a.m.
15 minutes of fame...ok, so I'm short 14 minutes 58 seconds

I woke up a grumpy, menstruating (for the 1st time in 4 months -- always a shocker), depressed woman yesterday, when I unexpectedly ran into garden hacker boy who was casually sitting right the hell next to the garbage container out in the parking lot (I've given up trying to explain anything he does) And me! With a bag of garbage! What to do? Well, clearly I had to abruptly change directions and carry the damn thing to my car like it was a $1500 Prada purse. Yup. I brought the bag of garbage to the car. Yay me!

I did dump it off at "A" office, when I stopped to get a bill.

Anyhoo, originally I was just going to vegetate yesterday, because I had a very long busy day Wednesday. I went to a three hour seminar on government funding for mental health. Then shot up north for a much needed massage (funded by one of those lovely government programs). And then helped my mom with four massive bags of laundry. She doesn't do her laundry for like 3-4 months (honest to God. I'm not exaggerating) and then there is like 35 pounds of laundry to do. I would have preferred to have done it alone, but she wouldn't let me, so I had to deal with her AND the folding of 350 kitty t-shirts. And then I just barely got back to town to co-host my art class with the ever delightful Charlemagne. That guy is perpetually late, and yet the one day I'm like 7 minutes late, he's sitting in his car waiting for me. But he didn't give me any grief and actually seemed happy to see me. And gee, how often does that happen?

We had a good time setting things up. He is so naughty. I'm plugging in our lighting unit, with the prongs, I guess, sliding seductively into the (cough) receptacle, and he goes all breathy saying: "Oh yeah, No...a little to the right. Yeahh (purrrrrr)" And I look at him and go, "Oh baby, baby." Hard to believe we're in our 40's, huh?

Oh, so where was I? Oh yesterday!! Well, yesterday was the opening day of our State Fair, and since I am still in a kind of funk.....I decided to hop on our bus and go. I'm not a huge fan of fairs, but I knew it would be a good diversion for a couple of hours.

Fortunately it was a very pleasant day, weather-wise. Sunny, 70's, not humid. Although I did manage to set off some kind of security alert at the entrance of the fairgrounds with my extremely suspicious "terrorist satchel" evidently. Before I left yesterday, I had switched from my usual purse to a lighter weight flowered cloth bag. Well, I guess I must have somehow accidentally knocked Fair Security up to about a Mega Purple...because I had to have my bag searched at the gate. I suppose it could have been because I was wearing that sporty Al Queida Summer commando look. Black skorts. Salmon-colored sleeveless tennis shirt. Flowery cloth bag. But I was slick, if not embarrassed, when I had to open my bag for the guy. Why? The contents perhaps...

  • Wallet
  • Cell phone
  • lipstick
  • SANITARY PAD(!!!!!!)


    I did manage to scare the crap out of the guy though. Not with my menacing uni-bomber countenance, but rather by telling him, in fact, I had a


    in my purse, at which point, he immediately averted his eyes and waved me through. Heh!

    Oh great, now you'll probably be hearing some news story next week about some chick in a burka getting through security at JFK with the sanitary pad story and it'll be my fault. Dang.

    Did I mention I never ate breakfast before I left? So I was feeling pretty loopy by time I walked through the front gates around 1:15. Like was that really Governor Pataki cutting a opening ceremony ribbon with oversized gold scissors or was I just having garden hacker hallucinations?

    I really wanted some Mexican food, but after wandering around for another 20 minutes and thinking I was about to faint, I just settled on a slice of garlic pizza. Of course there was that brief moment of desperation when I walked by the SPAM-mobile where they were handing out free SPAM samples to the beat of disco songs with the word SPAM in their titles. Yeah, that was a close one.

    After the pizza I headed over to the Pan-African Village. Its really one of my favorite parts of the fair. African music and art. I especially like African drum music. If I was channeling Shirley MacLaine I would say that I was probably of African American heritage at some point in one of my former lives. I just feel it, especially when I hear music from the early part of the century....or African drum music. Fortunately I got there just on time to see this great dance/drum group called Biboti Ouikahilo. They just totally rocked both in their music and dancing. Such joy. It helped me forget all the crappy stuff of the last couple of weeks. Although Biboti did skip over me when he was looking for volunteers from the audience. Can you imagine? I guess he must have sensed my total lack of rhythm, although he did say on his website: "if you have a have rhythm."

    After that I just kind of meandered for a long while. Looked at the predator bird tent where they had a vulture named Conan O'Brien. Saw a lot of fat people in shorts. Heard a vendor yelling, "Get your handwriting analyzed, save years of therapy." Also wished I had money for one of those cool Swiffers that you can only get at the fair evidently, because I saw about 3000 women carrying Swiffers around with them. Oh, great, now I have S.E. Swiffer Envy. Saw a llama competition. They are so frickin' cute. I wonder if Guardcat will let me get one? Please Guardcat, please!! Had to also talk to all the bunnies in the agriculture building. Why do they always make me think of Angela Lansbury?

    Although as I was walking through the fair, I did draw the line at paying a dollar to see Norm, the fattest pig in the world. Why? Because I have a feeling I really didn't need to look much further than the line at the deep fried Snicker's bar concession stand.

    I didn't go on any rides because I didn't have much money, but I did discover the best way to spend 25 cents EVAH!!!! The Footsie Wootsie. You sit in this chair, kinda like a shoe shine booth, put your feet on these metal panels, drop your quarter in and it vibrates the hell out of your feet for about a minute and a half. My God, it was like sex and ice cream, only better.

    Oh witty, what would you know about sex. Okay, not much in recent years. But I do know about things that vibrate! :-) !!!! And so did the middle aged woman next to me who felt the need to yell out the inevitable joke to all her waiting girlfriends. "I wish I could sit on this!" Oh honey, we all do, but did you have to blurt it out in front of 20 preteen kids? Honestly.

    I actually got a naughty buzz off the damn thing just sitting on the chair. Yay me.

    I finally headed down near the entrance and could hear some Hee-Haw music (sorry, not a big country western fan here). I could see this tall glass of water onstage with streaky blonde hair and jeans and asked a maintenance guy who it was. Billy Ray Cyrus. Well, whoopety doo! I did want to get a closer look so I wormed my way in to all the daisy dukers and managed to stand next to this woman who sounded like she was calling Norm, the World Fattest Pig way on the other side of the freakin' fairgrounds. My God she was loud. "Whooooooot. Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaw!! Billlllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!" What do you expect for a Billy Ray Cyrus free show. I bet all the local Walmarts were empty.

    I finally ended the day over at the local television station booth. All three of the networks do their news live from the fairgrounds and I decided I wanted to be on TV. Well, I've always wanted to be on TV, but that's besides the point. So I went to all 3 TV station booths and NBC was the least busy and I knew they would be doing weather cutaways with Wayne the Weather Guy, so I shoved my way to the front. Okay there were only about 15 people, so it wasn't too hard. I just had to body slam that 75 year old granny and kicked her grandson a few times. Damn you for thinking I would do such a heinous thing. Heh. I only shoved her a little.

    I then quickly called my mom on my cell phone. I knew she'd be watching her idol Judge Judy, but the least she could do would be to turn the station on for a few minutes. It was really hard to hear, because Mr. Achy Breaky was still performing over across the way and the fair was just loud anyways, so I just yelled, "Turn to Channel Three".

    So the filming began and since I'm so damn short, you could barely see me on the TV monitors. I was trying to stand on my toes, and look around Wayne's shoulders and like flash my boobs, but nothing.

    But then suddenly after the weather report, he turned and went down the front row of people asking their names and....and....and...I was the last person he "interviewed". I was so nervous, because my voice was still shot and I wasn't sure anything would come out, so instead of just saying my usual cool one syllable "wit", I blurted out my multi-syllable name and nearly fell over the railing. Great! My mom even later commented on that.

    Unfortunately, I wasn't completely satisfied with my lack of visual stardom, so I decided to wait for the second weather report cutaway. That blasted old lady and her grandson finally left, so I scooted over and got in a primo location and when they filmed again, I was in full view for the entire weather report. Did I ask Mr. DeMille for my close up? Hell yeah! My God, I need so much attention, people. During the weather I was trying to look all sultry (read: sunburned, sweaty, full of sugary, fatty foods). I then put my sun glasses on and ran my fingers through my hair a few times. Like "Hey, baby, baby".

    Can we see why witty is in therapy now?

    I was much happier with that second "take", so I left after that. I talked to my mom on my phone on the bus. She said she could see me the second time much better and that she had called my aunt and that she had said "I looked beautiful" (although she just have cataract surgery, so can we trust her? I think not.)

    So that was my day at the fair. I did have to ride home on the bus with all those damn women with their swiffers. But at least I was on TV. :-)

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  • Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty