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2006-11-05 @ 12:46 a.m.
how drinking milk almost made me vote republican

Meh. Nobody reads diaryland on the weekends. Ever notice that? Maybe I should run some naked pictures of myself or admit that I kicked a puppy or something equally horrifying. I've already just had my own horrifying moment for the day. I ate a couple of graham crackers, which were pretty tasty and then I needed some skim milk to wash them down. That's simple enough. I'm single. I don't need a cup. So I took a long slug of milk right out of the carton. And then realized I hadn't taken any of my dinner medications, since I was over at my mother's house, stretched out on her couch weeping like Sarah Bernhardt for several hours after she fed me (don't ask).

So I took my all important I won't kill yuppies organizing BOTOX parties on their cell phones, with one long gulp of milk. And then I took my crestor so I won't be die of a heart attack while consummating a date with B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) and possibly having people find me in a compromising position after I don't show up somewhere, with another gulp of milk. And then thought, my god that's delicious! I'm not much of a milk drinker, ya see, so I know my bones are disintegrating as I type. So I took yet another long swallow of milk. But then I realized something. I looked at the expiration date on the milk carton and nearly blanched.

Good through October 26, 2006.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasn't that ten freakin' days ago? I mean do you think that I should possibly have people start saying novenas for me or something. Because I'm fairly certain that I may have just ingested some rare strain of Milk-us Athrax-us and will soon either become a punchline in "Scary Movie Part IV" as a projectile vomiting zombie or worse yet, accidentally vote Republican next Tuesday. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn me for not wearing my glasses while drinking milk straight out of the carton. See what happens to single women when they live alone?

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