Art, Angst and the Occasional Mention of Nudity.

2006-12-11 @ 3:02 p.m.
witty mc needy makes her list

I was just looking at this silly thing: "Gifts to Buy for People by their Astrology Sign." Naturally since I'm Aquarius and have already been pegged as the most unpredictable oddball of the universe by every astrology listing evah, I've actually got a complex about it now. Am I really that weird? Sure I walk around talking to myself. And I talk to myself while driving in my car. And I really have to catch myself so I don't talk to myself while walking in the Mall, but other than that I'm totally like everyone else. And I know for sure that the gifts I want for Christmas, surely aren't these:

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
You never know what this unpredictable sign will be doing from moment to moment one week it's skydiving and the next it's yoga! Still, this quirky sign always appreciates technological gadgets, whether it's an all-region DVD player or an iPod Nano. If you'd like to choose something a little more personal, why not make a photo album detailing all of your exploits with the Water-Bearer? Aquarius may not show it, but they harbor a special fondness for their friends. Still stumped for ideas? A basket filled with brand new socks is both weird and practical enough for this sign, which rules the ankles.

Oh yeah, like I go skydiving all the time. And yoga? Well, I may be a hippie, but I have enough trouble getting up off the couch to go get snacks during the commercial. What makes people think I could wrap myself into a pretzel and not have to call 911?

DVD Player. Got one. Thanks. And no, its not quirky. Its a Sony. And the iPod thing? I bet I'll be able to live to 110 years old and never miss having one of those. I have a CD Player. I briefly had a Walkman in the 80's and you know what? I barely used it. When I'm out doing stuff in public, I like to be able to hear if there's a terrorist sneaking up behind me, you know, like being able to hear the cocking of a gun. At home, that really doesn't matter. I have a CD player and a record player (wait, let me explain this to the kids), and am perfectly happy listening to music the old fashioned way.

Would I like a photo album of all my exciting wittykitty exploits with my friends? Sure, that would be nice. I am rather fond of the few friends I have, although most of them either live in California or New York City, so I don't see them much. So photos would be nice.

Yeah, its cool to be so popular.

And a basket of socks? Oh dear god, yes! yes! YES!!! My feet are very special and they don't get nearly enough attention. So bring them on!

But if I were to make up my own personal list, it might be just a tad different, since I'm not your usual skydiving, yoga-doing, i-Pod listening Aquarian.
THE LIST

First of all I'd like to take care of my dear, sweet kitty, Guardcat with, yes, "A Day at the Kitty Spa."

Maybe get a full body Cat Massage while listening to Anya and gnoshing on Fancy Feast Gold Supreme Lobster Bisque. Although if she doesn't get off the freakin' computer keyboard RIGHT NOW!!, she's gonna lose everything.

I'd like to get my mom a whole new wardrobe, since I do her laundry most of the time and she has like 320 kitty t-shirts and sweatshirts and like 2 pairs of pants, all from the 1990's and they are totally threadbare. I'd also like to get her out of her basement apartment which is full of mold. Since living there the last 7 years, she has developed asthma and has had many bronchial ailments which I feel are from the mold. But she doesn't have the money to move and she's afraid she won't be able to find an apartment that takes two cats. So new digs and threads for the mommy.

Me? I want Howie Mandel for Christmas.

What?? Its my list and I've been crushing on him for over 18 years now. His name was the first name I typed on my very first computer on some message board 18 years ago and the next morning I had a bunch of responses from other women, saying "Isn't he cute!", "He's so funny!" So see! It wasn't just me. He also just has that extreme sarcastic sense of humor that I love (and that he doesn't get to display on "Deal or No Deal"). Plus, my goodness, he's Jewish, he's a germaphobe...I mean, what's a neurotic Gentile girl not to like?

And as long as we're wishing BIG this Christmas, why not my own house. Yeah! I am so tired of living in little tiny apartments with mice and no space for Christmas trees and being surrounded by freaky ass neighbors like the Garden Hacker, the Screaming Jesus Blaspheming Woman, and the world stupidest Landlord. Did I mention he never contacted Section Eight to tell them he raised my rent and then he tried to shake me down for the extra $20 for HIS mistake. I didn't pay him, of course. But I would really like my own house, so I could do what I want. Paint what I wanted. Trim what bush I wanted, which would be NONE, unless a huge Killer Vine had grown over my front door overnight and I had to escape from the second flood window. I'm just tired of being screwed by landlords and tired of having to deal with all the weird if not occasionally threatening neighbors. I just want my own house.

I would like a computer made in the new milleneum. My computer is almost 10 years old which is like Barney Rubble years for a PC. It always stalls out at least once or twice while I'm using it and then I have to shut it down, losing everything that I'm doing. And then, to be really bastardly, it won't shut off either. It stalls shutting off. Its just very ornery. Sorta like Richard Simmons when he has PMS.

Lastly I want some LOVE for Christmas. No, I don't mean Lars the Handsome Swedish Foot Masseuse, although that would be nice, but I would like to find my soulmate, if the Howie thing doesn't work out. I'm still rather perplexed at what husbands actually do and maybe some of you are too. But is it okay if I ask them to take care of me? I'd be perfectly willing to reciprocate in any way I could think of. I just have to be able to make it through this courtship part. It seems that I'm not very good at it. I guess I wasn't quite able to figure out the timing of when I was allowed to say, "I enjoy your company". Because I think I sprang that on Handyman a little too soon. And then it was like watching a terrible car crash in slow motion on ESPN. The NASCAR guy bumping another guy at 120 mph, which then starts a chain reaction, sending him hurtling into the cement wall, shattering his car and sending debris skyward. All because he misjudged how close he was getting to the other person.

So that's my humble Christmas List. And there was nary a mention of an iPod or a yoga lesson. See, Aquarians aren't always wacky and unpredictable.

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