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2007-01-07 @ 5:50 p.m.
smite the mites

I live in snow country. No, not up in the mountains or anything, but in a heavy snow area which should usually have about 100 inches of snow by now. But do we? Hell no! We’ve only had about 12 inches, so far. And its freakish I tell you! Freakish! But am I complaining? HELL NO! I hate snow. I grew up near San Francisco, after all. And if I wanted to go skiing, I’d jump on an airplane and fly to Colorado. But no, I'm just enjoying the warmest winter ever!

I’m loving it actually. I’m an avid walker, ya see. And if its not snowing and its above about 35 degrees, I’m out walking. I did get my yearly six month winter membership to the YMCA, so I can walk on their treadmill and supposedly ogle yuppie guys, if I need to. But I’ve barely been over there since its only snowed like twice in December and I’ve mostly been walking either around my neighborhood, where tiny hyacinths are strangely pushing their way up through the dirt or out along the Canal, where thousands of Canadian Geese are settling on nearby ponds confused about where they should be going.

I even did some early spring cleaning. Of course I was spurred on by an Oprah show of all things. I know you’re saying, “No witty, not Oprah!” But she had a show that spoke to the Germ-a-phobe in me. It was a show about how many germs were in this woman’s house (and she had a Master’s Degree for God Sake’s!!), who felt the need to hold on to old sink sponges (kinda like me), and old pillows (kinda like me) and only changed her bed sheets like once a month (kinda like me). It especially spoke to someone who was lying wrapped in a cat-fur-covered quilt, in close proximity to a half eatened jar of Christmas candies, resting their head against an old pillow from an elderly relative who may have possibly died from consumption or staph infection. That was me!


I never even watch “Oprah”, but I was immediately sucked into that show a few days ago, when I heard about the germ theme. I was especially fascinated when the scientists took one of those Black Light thingies and shone it down into the women’s sink and you could see like 8.9 ka-hillion germs glowing simultaneously, kinda like “E’Coli: Las Vegas!”

But what really got me were the dust mites. Everyone has them. Even Angelina Jolie! What are they? They are tiny little spider(gulp)-like critters that feed off the skin cells in your bedsheets. And there are millions of them! And they even go up your nose! And the only way to even put a dent in their population is to wash your sheets in 3000 degree water and then vacuum the hell out of your bed.

Of course, that is somewhat problematic at my house, since my bed is actually Guardcat’s Personal Condominium where she sleeps lives 23 3/4 hours a day. I mean, its hard enough to even change the sheets, since I’ll toss her off and then Fwaaaangggg! She’ll immediately jump back into the bed thinking we’re playing a fun game. And then I’ll dump her off again and then Double Fwaaaannnggggg! Up she comes again...Its Superrrr Guardcat!!!!! Landing atop the Dangerous Earthquake of Doom!!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!!!!

stupid cat.

So needless to say, I don’t change my sheets very often. But I did finally get them off yesterday and did a huge load of laundry. And I also finally bought some new vacuum bags, since my old vacuum bags probably still had the remnants of the Baby Jesus of the dust mite world.

So I may not have a boyfriend, and I may be overweight and I may be unemployed, but damnit, I am way the hell on top of the dust mite abatement in my apartment thanks to Oprah!! You go sistah!!

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty