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2007-01-09 @ 11:54 p.m.
the upsy downsy day

Its been a kind of upsy/downsy day. I'm sporting a kind of croaky Bette Davis voice. No, I'm not sick. I just had a major anger meltdown in my car yesterday (yay me) and I yelled so loud and so intensely (did you hear me New York City?), that I totally destroyed my poor vocal cords. I really wish I could control my anger a little bit better and not scream so loudly that people 600 miles away were cocking their heads saying, "Gee, I wonder why witty is screaming about her neighbor cutting down that tree out in the yard? I mean we do agree that there was absolutely no reason for that fucking idiot to do that, especially since that tree was just innocently growing there, providing homes to sparrows, but we can definitely see why she would want to kill him although she wouldn't want to go to jail since she can't bring Guardcat with her..."

Yeah, I get a lot of anger out in my car, rather than actually facing people face to face. Because the last time I faced my neighbor and merely wept, he called the cops and my landlord tried to evict me. So now I just take my anger to the car and scream louder than 90 atomic bombs and totally wreck my throat and then never really feel much better. Yay me! And I do mean really!

But at least my shrink finally got back from a three week vacation today. And I was so happy to see him!!! So much has happened in the last three weeks...especially for a girl with no life. Of course there is lots of stuff I don't write about. I've been trying to cope with some serious depression. I've been coping with my mom who was seriously injured in a fall in her apartment. I've been taking that new medication that made everything seem like it was in some weird-o 3-D video-game mode. I've still been feeling like a failure over that stupid grocery store job. And then there were THE HOLIDAZES. And the ever-exciting Chest-o Pain-o Event on New Years Day. About the only respite, really, were my art classes.

But it was great to have "A" back today. And I got through my whole session without crying, which was quite amazing since that has only happened like 5 times in 11 years. Of course I did have to start weeping when I walked out to my car. Why? Because he said I could have called him from the hospital if I was scared. He was on vacation of course, and I would never have disturbed him on vacation, but I was very touched by his offer. Thanks "A". That's why you're my rock.

I then headed over to the church pantry for my free monthly humiliation food. I just can't tell you how much I love having some rich lady grasping the edge of my little shopping cart , as I shop, making sure that I don't take an extra can of peas. Because I just know, how much I totally look like a total crackhead whore murderer.

(note: christmas cards packets of cocaine hanging above my head)

I can't tell you how much I resent being watched by these fat, lazy rich housewives who think they are going to go to heaven a little faster because they volunteered an hour at a food pantry once every two months. Don't you know "Jennifer" that you're probably a mere month away from having to "shop" at a pantry yourself? Because if your rich lawyer husband decides to dump you for his 22 year old secretary and tells you to get out of your $2.2 million dollar raised ranch house on the half acre in 2 weeks, what are you going to do? Sure you could take the 2006 SUV and all the Flax dresses you can fit in your Louis Vuitton suit cases, but what are you going to do for money? You have no discernible skills, dear. And fucking a rich husband...and maybe the pool boy, Ricardo every other Tuesday in the summer doesn't count. So don't look down at me like I'm some thieving scavenger if I pick up an extra can of tuna, hon. I probably just didn't have my Medicaid glasses on.

And then the fun continued over at the grocery store where they have given me a $5 gift card. Whee! $5!! And no, I'm not being sarcastic! I can actually buy some cat food and cat litter! And I also bought some meat and soda, which brought the total to about $12. So I bring it up to the clerk who has worked there for years. I know her. She's kinda dwarfy looking and has really bad dandruff. So I attempt to pay for the food part with my food stamp card. Oh my god, its like an escape attempt at Sing Sing or something. She got all flustered. A Food Stamp Card. Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. Prison Doors Slam down. Search lights started panning the check out counter. I forgot to mention. I'm in Yuplius, the richest town in our county. Because someone handing off a food stamp card in this town is about akin to spotting Danny Boneduce trying to sell Martha Stewart some faulty Chardonarry.

So she had to call the manager over. The rich woman behind me sniffed so loudly I think she may have ruptured something important, especially after she demanded that they open another check out counter since she..sniff... didn't want to wait for....snifff. somebody with....sniff....foooooooodstamps.

Me (under my breath): "Your husband is sleeping with his 22 year old secretary, bitch."

Incidentally, people generally think its really easy to be poor. Like that we sit around all day drinking diet coke and watching TV and smoking crack cocaine. Well, it just ain't true, people. We have to put up with crap like this. I'm in disability. Before that I was in the work force for almost 30 years.

Anyways, the evening did end on an up note. I had to go to my art group board meeting. (See, we don't just sit on our lazy asses all day and night. I volunteer 3-4 hours a week for my art group). Anyways, we were having our once every three months meeting. My computer has been starting to fail for several months. It is almost nine years old, which in computer years is like Flintstone years. I take really good care of it, have all the best virus software I can afford and do everything I can to keep it from dying, but it stalls constantly, especially when I'm online. Also my laser printer can longer print clean pages. They're all black and smeary.

Anyways the point of all this art group is going to get me a newer used computer and probably buy me a new printer! I was so stunned I almost started crying. Our Fearless Art Leader had mentioned something about it last week, but tonight when he talked about the poor condition of all my computer stuff 3 people sprang forth offering me computer equipment! So I'm really psyched. How exciting not to be using Windows 98, but actually something of this century! Whee! :-)

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty