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2007-01-21 @ 12:15 a.m.
100 - - You might want a slug of caffeine

because I'm bored on Saturday Night

1). I just heard from my doctor that I have a node on my right ventricle and that I have some weird extra vein wriggling out of my heart for absolutely no reason. WTF?

2). I discovered my writing chops in seventh grade when I wrote a poem about the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland. The nun at my school thought it should be published. Of course, this was the same nun who used to curse in class and throw things at kids.

3). I've went through an Anger Management class a couple of years ago, but the woman teaching it made me so angry by being late every....single....week (I hate people being late) that I started going only intermittently and then she wouldn't give me the diploma at the end of the class.

4). As a small child I used to have a space the size of a tooth between my front two teeth. I looked like a miniature version of British actor Terry Thomas. My mom made fun of it, so I rarely smiled for pictures or for anything else for that matter.

5). My Dad took me to Los Angeles for Spring Break when I was a Junior in High School and we saw a taping of the Merv Griffin Show. Merv asked for volunteers to square dance since it was a Country Western themed show (can you imagine me at a CW show?). Anyways, my Dad nearly pushed me into the aisle, Merv saw that and I got invited on stage. So yes, I square danced on national television in April 1975 with the Hager Twins from "Hee Haw". Be impressed, be very impressed!

6). I lost a freckle contest to Harry the Horse and never got over it.

7). I used to have my own darkroom, where I enlarged my own black and white photos.

8) I've published 25-30 photos in various newspapers, mostly accompanying articles I wrote. I also had some photos at our local museum a few years ago.

9) I had a terrible crush on my first swimming teacher Mr. Gonzales and kept purposely flunking my swimming test so I could gaze into his dark, Spanish eyes. Unfortunately, he finally caught on.

10). I've always had very good repoire with reptiles. As a kid in Florida, I'd come up to my mom with like 15 frogs hanging out between my fingers and want to bring them into my air conditioned bedroom because it was hot outside.

11). As a kid, I was also obsessed with Zorro. I thought I WAS Zorro and I would run around the school yard with my imaginary sword making a "Z" on everybody's back.

12). Needless to say perhaps, but I talked continuously to myself as a child. My mom said I'd be in my playhouse under the kitchen window, acting out all the parts to some grand theatrical production, complete with voices and perhaps casting frogs in bit parts.

13). I met Ed Sullivan when I was 6. I refused to smile when my mom was trying to take the picture (remember the space?) and Ed Sullivan looked down at me and said, "Kid, if you don't smile, you'll look like me." That quote was in the Miami Herald the next day with my name along side his. That was my first brush with fame.

14). For many years I used to dream of tornadoes all the time. They'd come right up to the house I was in, and I'd be terrified and then they'd pass. And then just suddenly, I stopped dreaming about them. I'm glad. They were scary.

15). I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until I was in my late 30's.

16). My first TV crush was on Ross Martin (Artemus Gorden) on "Wild, Wild West". (I even named my salamander after him!)

17). My first movie crush was British actor Richard Harris in the movie "Cromwell", which was a dramatic, violent movie. And Timothy Dalton was in it! What was wrong with me?

18). I hate snow and I live in one of the snowiest metropolitan cities in the country. D'oh!

19). I've had crushes on three gay men.

20). I majored in journalism and minored in theatre. Does that have anything to do with it?

21). I took baton lessons, but kept hitting myself in the head and had no rhythm whatsoever when they played patriotic songs.

22). I voted Democrat in my first presidential election (Jimmy Carter) JUST BECAUSE my Dad was a Republican. My Dad did finally come over to the "Dark Side" (bwahahahaha!! ) -Democrat- for his very last election (Bill Clinton). By then I knew I had made the right decision.

23). I once got stuck on an elevator in Panama as a kid. Besides the sheer scariness of that, all the Spanish speaking people were all screaming and yelling in Spanish and me and my parents didn't know what they were saying and then they were trying to lift me up to the next floor because the elevator was stuck between floors and I was screaming and my mom was screaming and I thought I was going to get crushed. And people wonder why I suffer from anxiety disorders.

24). Oh, and did I mention I also once got stuck on a Ferris wheel for over an hour as a kid? It was at a drive-in theatre. The Ferris wheel was behind the movie screen. And when my mom and I looked down we noticed like 7 guys piled on top of this huge control handle. It was stuck, so we were just going round and round and round. It was really cool until (gulp)an ambulance pulled in...I guess waiting for the casualties. Fortunately, they finally got it unstuck, but we did miss most of the movie.

25). I have a terrible fear of carnival rides.

26). Most of my injuries have involved blows to my head. Do you think there is something to do with how I am? First stitches: About 14 months....I crawled right into the edge of the stove. Whack! A bunch of stitches. Age 8: Dived into above ground pool....Whack, I hit my head on the bottom of the pool and nearly drowned when I became disoriented and couldn't find the surface. Age 31: Walking down 2 stairs, I missed one, fell, twisted my body WHACK! Got knocked unconscious for a moment. Split the back of my head open, sprained my neck, 8 stitches.

27). First speaking part in a play: "The Visit". I even had the first line in the play. Talk about nerve-wracking!

28). My Dad's nickname for me: Bifsky. He even had a song about it.

29). I've never smoked a cigarette. Not even once. Both of my parents smoked, however. I think I probably have enough second hand smoke to last me a lifetime. So thanks. I'm good.

30). I've only had one night with two drinks total in my whole life. Creme de Cocoa. A real booze-a-thon, huh? My Dad drank, so I never felt the need to.

31). I've been an avid walker my whole life, thanks to my Dad who used to take me hiking as a kid. Its probably the only healthy thing I do.

32). I appear gracious and thoughtful during games, but I hate to lose.

33). I am a major animal lover, as in they are way better than humans most of the time. So I probably should have pursued a career with animals.

34). As a kid I used to draw pictures of families endlessly. Nothing else. Just mommies, daddies and kids. Over and over and over. Not sure what it meant.

35). I have lived in close to 30 different houses and apartments. I have trouble staying in one place for more than a year. I like my current place (the apartment itself), but the wacko neighbor is so completely unbearable, that I'm just in the deciding mode of getting out of here in Spring. It just causes me too much stress and anger to live here.

36). I really like bright colors and think it comes from growing up in South Florida in the 1960's where everything was turquoise and bright yellow and orange.

37) Despite almost drowning as a kid, I totally love water. I love swimming, hot tubs, even just bathing. I just love the feel of water against my skin.

38). Massage will win me over everytime.

39). I am the best secret keeper there is.

40). I once got bit in the ass by a Doberman pinscher. He wouldn't let go either until his owner came out of the house and said, "RELEASE!" Talk about scary!

41). My cat licks my lips and I totally let her.

42). The first big concert I went to was The Manhattan Transfer with one of my gay boyfriends. It was great.

43). I once walked on the movie set of "Peggy Sue Got Married" undetected (I walked like I belonged there) and got to see Francis Ford Coppola, Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage eating lunch. I was mainly going because my friend "G" who was an extra. He almost fainted when he saw me walking through the picnic tables.

44). I've worked as a movie extra on: "The Healers", "Heroes" (the movie, not the TV show), "The Serial", "Shadow of a Doubt" (a Hitchcock remake) and "Sister Act".

45). I've met lots of celebrities in California. Too many to mention though.

46). When I was younger I always wanted to be an actress.

47). When my parents had season tickets to the San Francisco 49er games, my only interest in going (because it certainly wasn't the football game) was to somehow have my image televised nationally. Sadly, that never happened, although I did see a guy puke on the woman's hair in front of him and not tell her.

48). I have a less than secret fascination with nudity.

49). I think I was African American in a past life, because I identify so much with their music and culture and art.

50). I had an internship at a TV station where I edited TV commercials into movies. It was the most boring thing I ever did, mainly because they gave me all the sucky movies like "The Electronic Monster".

51). While I was writing for newspapers, I got exactly one "fan" letter from somebody. Their names? Mr. and Mrs. Reader. Sounds a little suspicious to me.

52). I once waited on Robin Williams at Macys. He was looking for an electronic chess game. My heart was beating really rapidly, mainly because I had a big crush on him at the time and I had just seen "Moscow on the Hudson" the night before. And I also got a Two-Fer-One deal since Monty Python alum, Eric Idle was with him. Like WTF? How often does that happen?

53). One time when our family was at a hotel in New York City in 1964 for the World's Fair, we heard all these sirens and then vaguely looked out the window and they were all pulling up to OUR hotel. Our hotel was on fire. So are we seeing a pattern here, as to why witty is such a nervous girl as an adult? Anyhoo, they did manage to knock the flames down in the kitchen and we didn't have to evacuate.

54). And then remember that trip back to Florida and how the lightening struck the airplane and it lost a frightening amount of altitude in a matter of a few seconds?

55). I then totaled my car when I was 18, but didn't have a scratch on me, not even a head injury!

56). I was made the joke editor of our school newspaper in 6th grade and kids were constantly handing me wadded up pieces of papers with jokes on them. The best ones though were from the O'Brien Brothers. They had Italian jokes that I still remember to this day.

57). Even though I write humor, I cannot TELL a joke.

58). I have 4 siblings, including 2 brothers and I am the second tallest at 5 ft. 4". Yup, we are a family of shorties.

59). My grandmother was a published poet and used to do satires on popular songs in the 40's. I'm guessing I got my writing skills from her.

60). I started getting gray hair in high school, so me and Miss Clairol have been friends for over 30 years.

61). I once got cast as a piano player in a whore house and I was so excited! I was running around telling everyone, "I get to play a whore! I get to play a whore!" and then sadly, the director, who was devastatingly handsome, kicked me out of the show and recast the part with a guy. Can you imagine?

62). I then got cast again as a sorta whore in the musical "Cabaret". I was so excited. Not sure what my excitement about playing a whore was. 'A"?

63). The only time I was ever popular was in high school. And it was the worst time in my life at home, since my parents were going through a divorce. I guess I just threw myself into school.

64). I cry more than anyone I know. I cry very easily. I cry during commercials for "Extreme Makeover" when someone is getting a new home.

65). My mother refuses to take credit for my birth. She always tells me she picked me off the mango tree in the back yard.

66). My mother also made the mistake of telling me our dachshund gave birth to her puppies in Baggies. So I had to share this wondrous news with my Brownie troupe much to the horror of the Brownie Troop Leader. Puppies in Baggies? She thought we were trying to suffocate them.

67). I've kept a diary since I was 11.

68). The only sport I ever tried was tennis. I used to play tennis with my Dad when he was home. I think he was disappointed that I wasn't a boy though, because he once bought me a basketball and tried to shoot hoops with me, but I only got one out of like 1000 tries. But I did keep trying since I wanted to please him.

69). First kiss: 17, sports jock named Larry. He was African American. I didn't know him except as our school sports star. He just wanted to kiss me. That's it.

70). First painting sold: November 2005, an abstract at a local art gallery. I never did find out who bought it.

71). I am so glad I discovered my drawing class. It has made a huge difference in my life. It has given what little confidence I have.

72). I buy too many lottery tickets. I guess I'm just waiting for that quirk of fate that will make my life a little more comfortable.

73). If I won the lottery, I would help a few people who are in need, like my friend "L" the Hippy Chick. Her furnace is broken and her new grandbaby is living with her. I'd help there. I'd get my mom out of her mold-ridden apartment too. Just do some things like that.

74). I'd like a studio to paint in.

75). I haven't done my checkbook in over a year. Help!

76). As a kid, we had some fairly exotic pets like coatimundis, monkeys, macaws, snakes, geckos.

77). I used to judge comedy competitions in California.

78). Comedian Tom Kenney (Spongebob Squarepants) once dragged me onstage during a comedy show. He asked me my name and he misheard me and started calling me "Margaret". I then somehow managed to get a bigger laugh than him and the college crowd started chanting "Margaret, Margaret, Margaret!!" It was very intoxicating, even though it wasn't my name. Afterwards some girl came chasing after me yelling, "Margaret...Margaret". I didn't respond of course since that isn't my real name. She actually followed me into the bathroom to ask me if I was part of Tom Kenney's act.

79). Its easier for me to be friends with men than women. Not sure why.

80). I prefer male bosses too.

81). You would not believe what goes on behind the scenes at a grocery store. Ugh! Dirty! Even if the store looks really clean!

82). The only time I feel any kind of spirituality is when I'm out in the woods.

83). It took me a long time to figure this out, but people do things for you because they want to, not because they have to. And they also do it because it give them pleasure. I really had to UNLEARN all the negative stuff my mother drilled into me. I'm still unlearning some of it.

84). My cat loves my unconditionally.

85). Writing is great therapy and I know I'm good at it and nobody can take that away from me. YAY!

86). I don't have many friends, but its definitely quality not quantity.

87). My favorite comedy is "The Birdcage" with "When Harry Met Sally" a close second.

88). My favorite Broadway musical is "Evita"

89). Being listened to is the most important thing for me right now.

90). I'm a total news junkie. I love watching both the local and national news. I then watch the Sunday morning news programs. I think I got that from my Dad. I remember as a kid, watching Walter Cronkite report the Viet Nam War with my Dad every night.

91). I sleep with a large teddy bear named Bear Bear. I really missed him at the hospital recently. I had the nurse bring in a big pillow so I could simulate hugging Bear Bear. Hard to believe I'm almost 49, huh?

92). My Dad was an airline pilot, but I'm afraid to fly. I mean I could, but there would be a lot of medication involved.

93). Growing up in Northern California, I was totally fascinated with New York City. I used to run down to the school library and devour the NY Times and then I would go buy the Village Voice and die over the wonderful photos by Sylvia Plachy. And then I finally moved to the East Coast and... I'm glad I grew up in Northern California. It made me who I am today.

94). I really miss cable TV. I would love to be able to watch Comedy Central every night.

95). I'm allergic to perfume, although I occasionally wear patchouli oil like any hippie worth their salt.

96). I make fun of rich people and stomp my foot indignantly over their behavior, but if they would let me in their club, I'd be there in a New York Minute.

97). I'd rather be funny than pretty. Funny lasts longer.

98). I'm going to try and work on my anger this year. I hate being angry all the time. Its tiring.

99). I can't imagine life without dark chocolate.

100). I can't believe I finally made it to 100. Did I number that right? That was quite a haul! Is it Spring yet?

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty