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2007-01-29 @ 6:23 p.m.
testing, testing

Do you have your Hazmatt suit on? Good, since I think I might still be a little radioactive at the moment. No, I didn't go suck on one of the towers at Nine Mile Island, but rather I had my heart injected with some radioactive stuff today and I'm probably just bummed that its not a little darker yet, since I'm fairly certain that I'm probably glowing a cool shade of chartreuse which would definitely set off my boring February gray sweater nicely.

Yup, I went for my Cardiac testing today and I had to take some medication both last night and this morning which would slow my heart way down and since I really didn't know how that would affect my reflexes, and since I'm already kind of a retarded anyways, plus its still snowing like hell, plus I didn't want to drive downtown by myself, plus my mom STILL doesn't know about the departing doctor thing and I couldn't ask her, I had to arrange to alternative transportation.

So what to do? Call a paid cab through my social service agency. I've only gone in those cabs a few times and except for once, its always been a universally bad experience. Either the cab stinks like the biggest ash tray in the universe or the cab driver is giving you TMI about himself or asking you TMI, like the night he was taking me to my nude drawing class and he kept grilling me about what we drew and I absolutely did not want to tell some strange stinky guy, who held my fate and safety in his hands, that I was on my way to draw naked women. It was just too creepy.

So a couple of days ago when I talked to my case manager I had her make the call 45 minutes earlier than I needed to get there...just in case. And then this morning, since I'm so anal about being on time, I was outside waiting 15 minutes early, under the pretense of brushing the snow off my car, when the guy pulls up 10 minutes early. And then as soon as I got into his car he started bitching about how my company had transposed the numbers on his order and he couldn't find the apartment know, the only one on the entire street. Not only is it the only apartment complex on the 300 block, but its also only one of two buildings on the entire street. How could that possibly be confusing?

So I got to the Heart Ctr. an hour early. Heh. Whoops! And it was snowing like hell outside, so I couldn't go out for a walk really. I just walked around the lobby, smelling soup cooking at a deli. I was starving. This was a fasting test. I finally went up to the Heart Ctr. a half hour before my appointment. They noted that I arrived and then I searched for something to read. Out of approximately 12-15 magazines strewn about, they were all either "Deer and Field" (a hunting magazine) or "Golf". Nothing else. Gah! Of course it was mostly a bunch of 70 year old geezers waiting around.

I finally was called up to a different floor and fortunately they didn't make me get on a scale. Always a good day when that happens. Unfortunately though, all those pills that I took to slow down my heartbeat and make me relax? HA! Ha, I say! Don't they know they're dealing with one of the angstiest people known to mankind. I mean, even last night when I was about to take the first two pills, I was sitting looking at them going, what if my heart goes TOO SLOW and then Guardcat has to jump in and do kitty CPR, but then she gets distracted by a piece of lint or a stray friskie and then I die on the floor (Reason #27 to find a man: He can do CPR when the cat gets distracted by a piece of lint or a stray friskie, or at the very least call 911).

My heart rate was still in the 80's and it had to be 60's, so they had to give me more drugs and possibly show me an old episode of the Teletubbies. No! I'm kidding! Eek! Teletubbies are scary! Stop! So they gave me the drugs and then I started reading some of their magazines (much better selection than downstairs) and I see this article about women and heart disease and the myth that mostly men die from it. Oh great, just what I needed to see!! The meds did take affect fairly fast and soon I was stripping once again. Man, I think more people have seen my boobs around town in the last three weeks than possibly in my whole sad sheltered life. I really think I should start singing "Let Me Entertain You" everytime they ask me to lift a boob to attach a heart monitor lead.

So they once again had to attach everything, stick needles in (Arghhh! At least he got it in the first time), give me a quick shot of nitroglycerin (which equals instant migraine headache pretty much) and then eventually a spurt of the radioactive stuff which makes you feel like you just swallowed a shot glass of gasoline....while it was on fire. Yay! It all lasted under 10 minutes. The test is supposed to tell you if all the veins to your heart are open and functioning.

The real fun was afterwards though. I went into the dressing room to get my clothes back on and SLAM!!!!!! motherfucker. A severe chest pain on the left side. They're alway on the left side. I just stood there hunched over. This one was pretty damn close to the severity of the one on New Years Day. But it only lasted a short time. How appropro....having a chest pain in an office building full of cardiologists. But I didn't do anything. I just rode it out. I thought it might have been a reaction to the radioactive stuff and I fortunately I haven't felt anything since.

I was originally going to hop a bus home rather than taking the cab, but then after that chest pain I called the cab. It was snowing really hard and I didn't want keel over in some snow bank and have it be like that scene in "The Shining" where they find Jack Nicholson frozen to death the next day. Why? Because I'd really like to make it to my 49th birthday in two weeks....I have some things I want to do.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty