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2007-02-06 @ 10:07 p.m.
late for latte - no survivors

Strangely, it was almost like a scene out of a James Bond movie. I was calmly driving home on E. Gennie and suddenly out of nowhere, this huge black SUV approaches from behind so fast that I almost thought he was going to hit me. The speed limit was about 35 mph...but we were going about 50...but he was up so close to my fender that I couldn't see his headlights, only this huge looming black hood. And then he kept stepping on his gas, as if he was trying to force me off the road.

I was both scared and angry, so I started tapping my brake lights, you know, to give him the message. tap. tap. taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap. I must have tapped them about 35 times in a minute....kinda like Morse code for "Get off my fucking ass, you fucking asshole", but he never stopped riding my ass. And the lane next to me was full so I couldn't get out of his way, not that I wanted to. I deserved to drive in that lane as much as he did. So this went on for a good 2 miles and then suddenly he nearly took off my fender when he made this dangerously fast turn into this trendy hotel's parking lot, and I was thinking, is getting into some trendy hotel parking lot really THAT important? But then I was amazed to see him continue to race through the parking lot, up over bushes and curbs and I was like WTF? Is the police chasing him? Are they making a movie? Because he cut through several connecting parking lots...the hotel's, a restaurant's and finally a bank's, breaking out rather dramatically over on a side street. Do you know where he ended up? Do you know where he fucking ended up?????


Oh my god. To think he endangered a bunch of lives for a Expresso Frappuccino!

Had an appointment with "A" this morning. He's about a week and a half away from a vacation. I'm sure its great to get away from all us weepy types. He definitely deserves it. He's like the hardest working man in show business. But then after he returns he's taking another part time position so I won't be seeing him as much, which will be difficult since he's like part of my right foot after nearly 13 years of therapy. So we tried to figure out what I need to do to be more self sufficient. Answer? Get a job! Whee!

At first he suggested a full time job, but I reminded him of my last two disasters full time jobs. The sales executive job in California ended with me losing my voice for 8 years. And then my last one here ended with a nervous breakdown and some quality time at a mental hospital. And then we both remembered....ah yes...the mental illness thang. Truth is...I actually think it has to do with my inability to handle even the smallest amount of stress anymore. When I was younger I ate stress for breakfast. Look at the house I grew up in. But now, if even the teeniest thing goes awry, I totally fall apart.

And after my last decision, job-wise, I'm very scared of making another mistake. That's pretty much been the theme of my life in recent years. Making mistakes. I'm absolutely paralyzed of fucking up. I mean look at my recent record. Jobs. Bleccch! Relationships. Bleccch! Finances. Bleccch! Although I do have an absolutely smashing relationship with my cat.

But finding a job is somewhat problematic since I have a large gap in my employment record. And I am going to be 49 next Monday (as in getting kinda old to potential employers and talent doesn't really count for anything, unless you're like director Martin Scorsese). And the things I'm good at (art and writing) aren't exactly employable anymore, especially in a town with a large nationally known university bursting with new graduates with stunning portfolios. I mean, I can't even print out a resume on my laser printer, because its 12 years old and its on its last legs and prints with a large black smear along the edge of the paper. So where can I work? McDonald's? Kinko's? I dunno.

So I'm terribly apathetic at the moment. Probably because I was actually making money writing when I was 18 years old and now I'm wondering if someone will hire me for minimum wage flipping burgers.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty