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2007-03-14 @ 1:08 a.m.
the new iField which protects you from oncoming traffic too!


I don’t know if you’ve heard about these new cell phones, but they have this magical force field and say if you’re walking out of a mall and you’re talking on your new cell phone to a friend, you no longer have to look to see if there are any cars coming. Why? Because your new ultra cool cell phone will send out these sub-sonic rays, so when you can step off the curb without looking in either direction while talking to your friends about boys or MySpace or what songs you just downloaded onto your iPod, no matter what car is coming, you can walk directly in front of them, oblivious to their existence, and your cell phone’s force field....cleverly named iField (tm), will automatically cause cars to bounce off an invisible bubble, thus protecting you from getting hit whilst talking on their cell phones even though they're...

TOTALLY IGNORING ONCOMING TRAFFIC SINCE THEY THINK THEY’RE INVISIBLE AND THAT ALL CARS SHOULD STOP EVEN THOUGH THEY JUST STEPPED OFF THE CURB WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY ARE THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, WELL HELLO(!!!!!!!!), THERE ARE CARS DRIVING 25 MPH THROUGH THE PARKING LOT WHO MAY NOT REALIZE YOU ARE BRAIN-DEAD AND ARE GOING TO STEP OFF THE CURB BECAUSE YOU THINK YOUR LUMINOUS PRESENCE WILL STOP ANYTHING...INCLUDING TRAFFIC, EVEN THOUGH IT IS DUSK AND YOU ARE DRESSED IN DARK CLOTHES AND SOMEONE MAY NOT BE WEARING THEIR GLASSES AND THEY MAY BE RUSHING TO THEIR ART CLASS AT THE YMCA AND THEY DON’T HAVE A STOP SIGN AND THEY JUST DON’T EXPECT ANYBODY TO BE STUPID ENOUGH TO JUST RANDOMLY STEP OFF A SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF A CAR WITH THEIR HEADS TURNED IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE TALLER THAN A TWO YEAR OLD, NOT FIVE FOOT TEN WITH 15 SHOPPING BAGS FROM KOHL’S AND A CELL PHONE CROOKED INTO THEIR SHOULDER CHATTING...YOU KNOW, LIKE STEPPING OFF THE CURB EVEN THOUGH THERE’S ONCOMING TRAFFIC BECAUSE THEY’RE LIKE A TOTAL AIRHEAD, ALTHOUGH MAYBE IN THE BACK OF THEIR MINDS THEY MIGHT POSSIBLY KNOW THERE’S CARS COMING BUT THEN AGAIN THEIR DADDY IS A LAWYER AND IF I EVER HIT THEM OR RUN OVER THEIR BELOVED iPOD THEY WOULD LIKE TOTALLY SUE ME FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, SO IN REALITY IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY WALK IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE IT WILL ALWAYS BE A WIN-WIN SITUATION FOR THEM AND A LOSE-LOSE FOR ME, SO THEIR FAINT SIDE GLANCE AT ME IS REALLY SAYING DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT FLOORING IT BITCH, SINCE I’M WAY BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU AND I HAVE WAY MORE SEX THAN YOU’LL EVER DREAM OF AND WE VACATION EVERY SUMMER OVER IN FRANCE WITH JOHNNY DEPPand.....


Me: Hitting the gas...splat!!!!!!!
See how well that new iField(tm) works? :-)

I did manage to get to my watercolor painting class yesterday on time. And no I didn’t hit any yuppie chicks with iPods. I think I’m actually saving that for my watercolor teacher. It was another week of Unsufferably Egotistical Art Teacher. If only I were impressed. If only. I wonder if she knows that I’m not. Probably not. Egotist usually don’t. All the other women totally hang on her every word. I sit way at the end of the table and look off into the middle distance like I’m intellectual. Although I did have to come over closer for the “lesson” part of the evening. She asked if we brought our notes from last week. Heh. Notes. You mean our 8 words. What were they: Something about color values and play event. Every women there took out their sheets with her precious words. I had thrown mine away as soon as I got home last week.

Anyways, at our first class last week she had laid down some very strict rules. If you are sick with any kind of viral infection you are NOT allowed to attend class. Oh dear. Can you imagine if she got sick and couldn’t attend one of her Watercolor Association meetings. Or she couldn’t talk to the publisher about her book on Amazon.com because of a severe case of laryngitis. And I was thinking lady, you’re in the YMCA, this place is probably teaming with germs.

So I went over and sat next to her so she could lay the Holy Water Color Grail on me. How to paint shadows and how to paint contrasting darks/lights. And wouldn’t you know it. I got the most uncontrollable coughing fit imaginable. I could feel it coming on. I was sitting there feeling this horrible tickle and then I just had to start coughing. And hacking. And for a moment I nearly thought I was going to hack up a lung I was coughing so hard. And of course she drew back rather melodramatically in abject horror. So in between coughs I told her I had been on antibiotics for the last four days and then naturally at that point she reminded the class rather sternly about not attending when you’re sick because SHE was just recovering from diverticulitis. I finally went out in the hall and drank some water. I then came back and wouldn’t you know it. I started coughing again! Fuck! And what was weird was, this sinus infection thing hasn’t been about coughing at all. I guess I just needed to have an audience.

And its funny, about ten minutes later a woman down at the other end of the table coughed once and started apologizing profusely saying she wasn’t sick. I guess you can see how she has people running.

So the class last night wasn’t really that stimulating. We mainly had to listen to her talk about going to Cape Cod and how she had just bought a cute little house in Florida where they had a watercolor painting club with over 50 members. Woo! And then she had to bring up that damn thing about YMCA members stealing art supplies again. I really think that its bad form to say “Y” members have “stolen” art supplies. How does she know how many of us have been in classes before? You know...like me. She also combined a beginner’s class with an advanced class and telling us how lucky we are they we get her services for 2 hours instead of just an hour and a half. In reality she's just too lazy to stay for the 2 1/2 hours she's truly combining.

Anyways, the Advanced class has exactly one person (does that tell you anything?) and that person is a cute little 12 year old girl. She basically sits over by herself and Ms. Wonderful walks by and says “that’s nice” like once an hour. Wow, what great art instruction. Anyways, a couple of women at our table wanted to see the little girl’s work, so she shyly brought it over to show us. I thought it was very lovely for a kid. I know I couldn’t paint that well when I was twelve. So all the women were fawning over the girl (as they should) and then Ego-zilla steps in and says, “Well, it must be good since I’m her teacher! ?!!!?!? Fuck lady, why don’t you take credit for the Sistine Chapel too. And it certainly must be all that detailed help and instruction you give her inbetween vigorously patting yourself on your back and telling everybody when your next art show is and promoting that book for the 450th time. Oy!

Only four more weeks of Egocasso.

My final class of Batik was tonight. That class was way more fun and relaxed and the girl teaching it was very helpful and encouraging, you know like a teacher should be. It turned out to be a little tricky painting on silk, and also, silly me, I had drawn a design with a lot of tiny detail, so I was doing a lot of up close work, which doesn’t really lend itself well to batik. Fortunately Ms. I Suck at Artwork wasn’t quite as bad tonight. We were supposed to leave our silk artwork there to dry overnight, but since mine was about 98% dry I just brought it home and then rinsed out the wax and salt. I was a little disappointed with the results, especially the sun which got washed out. But I guess its my first try and you can’t always hit a home run the first time. But I kind of liked the process and hope to try it again sometime.




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