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2007-04-02 @ 11:42 p.m.
how to paint pine trees


Well, that incredibly large conglomeration of computer towers from the 90’s, monitors (not the flat kind), two printers, a scanner, two keyboards, 2 mouses (mices?) are still resting comfortably in my living room, thank you. The person who said they’d help never showed up this weekend and only sent a note late Sunday.

So I made like Bill Gates and worked on trying to connect this do-hickey to that what-cha-ma-jigger in order to download all my naked boob pictures important documents to my newer computer and finally like after 3000 hours of swearing in Swahili, speaking in tongues, and just generally making a lot of anger noises, scaring Guardcat under the bed...perhaps permanently, I finally figured out how to connect the USB Magic Transporter Cord correctly.

Me: Happy Snoopy Dance!


Okay, that was until I realized, I still can’t make my new computer understand that the internet is a GOOD thing and that the Roadrunner cable is very sexy and wants to have a date with its very fetching metallic portal and if you want me to play “Let’s Get it On” while I leave the room, I’d be perfectly willing to do so, just so, at some point, I get to watch a cute kitty video from U-Tube....OK (????????)

Oh...by the way, I said that last sentence with gritted teeth. Can you tell?

So I went to my Monday EM-power- Ment group today and managed to butt heads with the God Boy again. He seemed kind of mopey, as I sat next to him, but I later sort of surmised that it was more of a simmering anger perhaps. People who try to push religion on you and can’t, get kind of sulky. One of the first things out of his mouth today was what my preference would be if the word “God” came up in the material we were reading. And I was thinking...why should it? I used to run this group...I created it and amazingly it never came up when I ran it. But he kept pressing me and pressing me and I was getting really uncomfortable and my friend “J” wasn’t doing anything to defend me. (Thanks “J”)

I finally just said I worshiped cats fercrissakes, just to show him how ridiculous the whole conversation was. He then said, “Well, I thought you were wiccan because you were wearing a pentacle.” I knew it! I told him it was just a piece of jewelry I had bought at a garage sale and besides, what of it. I later told “J” I didn’t want to read any more material from that book they were using (Wayne Dwy3r). And God-Boy offered like 5 times to run off several pages, so I could take the material home and “study it”. What an ass.

About the only fun part of my visit to the office today was catching up with some of my old male co-workers. “J” is Italian but not very macho, but he smoothed back his hair and said something that sounded like “The Sopranos” and than Younger “J” came up and our greeting used to always be “Fuhgeddabout it” so he said that. And then “Bernie” popped up and started doing “The Sopranos” too, so I’m surrounded by three guys doing Jersey accents going “Fuhgeddabout it” and “Whatchu doin’?” all simultaneously. I totally cracked up, because they were all trying to out-Soprano each other. Its really the first time I’ve laughed in about 2 weeks. Thanks guys.

Tonight was the fifth week of my watercolor class and Ego-zilla is still as obnoxious as ever. Here its the fifth week. Five weeks, right? She still doesn’t know any of our names. She called me Lori tonight. And that’s not even close. There’s only 6 of us. How hard could it be to maybe put a little effort into remembering our names. My little cute Art-Boy Teacher last winter knew all 8 of our names by the second class. And used them frequently. And asked us how we were when we came in the door. And asked us what kind of music we wanted each week. And brought in snacks. And joked around. Why? Because he was a nice human being.

The first four weeks were the “instructional” part of the class, which involved, what was it? Oh yeah, looking at the soon-to-be-published galleys of her book. Whee! Yes, her work is nice, but just looking at her book isn’t really teaching. Its sorta lazy, if you ask me. And then there was the big Week Four Event. She kept saying “Wear Sneakers!! Wear Sneakers!!” She must have said it about 100 times. I thought it was going to be something fun, like the Water Color Olympics or something. The reason? We had to dip our paper in water and carry it over to the table and she didn’t want any lawsuits if we fell.

Tonight though, was supposed to be the first night on our own. No more teachin’! She was done! Finito! She was just going to reap the fruits of her bodacious labors and watch us paint like freakin’ Monet. I was glad because she has this really grating voice and her laugh. Oh...the laugh. It truly defies explanation, except maybe a cross between a braying donkey and one of those fake Soho “I don’t like you but I’ll laugh anyways” kind of laughs.

So I was getting down to business with a painting of a heron. I love herons. My now defunct graphics business was even named after herons.


Anyways suddenly Ego-zilla realized nobody needed her...that she was extraneous...that she was totally unnecessary in a room full of somewhat functioning artists. So suddenly she announces brightly, “How many of you want to learn how to paint a pine tree?” I certainly didn’t, since I was painting a bird who lives in water, but suddenly I felt everyone in the entire room staring at me.

What???


I guess her question was less of a question, but more of a less-than-subtle “I’m imparting my fabulous knowledge on you graceless minnions, come immediately”, since all the women were gathered in a tight little knot around her, waiting for me to come to my senses.

And I was right in the middle of painting the sky, dammit! So I walked over rather sullenly but damn, it was so worth it. Wow and Ka-Zowie! No...make that Double Ka-Zowie!! Pine trees with needles facing down. Pine trees with needles facing up. Pine trees on the horizon. Pine trees with snow. The pine tree in her back yard. One women even commented “Did you notice how none of us even breathed while you were doing that?”

Truly!




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