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2003-10-08 @ 8:55 p.m.
guilt -- the least celebrated emotion

Was rousted out a deep sleep this morning by the CD person. Problems with the size of the artwork. Blast. I thought this was over. So a few more calls were exchanged. I went down to the print shop. More phone calls exchanged. The client was even going to come to my house. Had to quick hurry and vacuum up all 23,567 fleas who aren't currently paying rent at my apartment. And then the problem was happily solved at the print shop. Yay! That's what I like. Happy endings.

one hunnert dolla, please.

But as in most of life, when one problem rides off into the sunset, another one rides into town.

It was DBT Day.

I had dodged the bullet last week, because my doctor appointment had run long....ok and I also walked really slowly to the car, so I wouldn't get there on time, which is required. I ended up visiting a friend and seeing a beautiful Downey Woodpecker on a tree, so it was time well spent.

But today it was back to the Ring Nose Wonder...the Towering Inferno of Guilt...the My Life is so Terrible People Would Run Screaming if they Heard, but You Should Love Me Anyways person. I get a migraine just thinking about her. I was already in a grumpy mood, because of the CD problems and the flea problem, so I went in, dressed in black from head to foot. Yeah, I had a bit of an attitude.

"You lookin' at me....You lookin' at me?"

She knows better than to say anything even faintly argumentative to me, because unlike the rest of the group, I'll call her on it. Usually at least 2-3 times during the class, she'll make references to people who may not like her and then look at me. Ok, you got me. Frankly, I can't stand the woman and if I looked up it would be all over.

So, instead of getting on my case about not being there last week, she tore into another woman, who wasn't there either. Just totally ripped her a new asshole. I like the person she was ripping into and wanted to defend her, but I thought if I get started, I'll have to jump up over the table and finally know if those dreadlocks are attached.

So she told this poor woman that having a migraine was no excuse. She said she expected her to be there every week even if she had to bring a puking bucket with her. (A puking bucket? What aisle are puking buckets on at Walmart?)

So why was it so earth shakingly important to have been there last week? It seems that Ring Nose got a new shrink and she had been diagnosed as Bipolar!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy shit, alert the media. She said she was devastated and needed us (her very best friends in the world -- as in I have no friends, except you poor suckers who are obligated to listen) to be there but you weren't.

boo hoo.

Hate to tell you missy, but 1) This is not a support group. Its a class. 2) We're not your friends. 3) Being diagnosed Bipolar, although somewhat disheartening, is not the end of the freakin' universe.

This woman has been in and out of institutions for the last decade, admittedly takes 16 pills a day to remain "stable" and has been escorted out of her house by the police for acting crazy. So the psychiatrist who had the mighty task of diagnosing her, just changed her meds and sent her on her way. Simple as that! But for her it was a major miscarriage of justice, wondering around for years not knowing she was bipolar. Get over yourself woman.

I didn't even know WHAT bipolar was, until the Long Finger of Mental Health deemed me one. Now its YAY, I'm bipolar...I'm not a Stepford Wife.

But it was our fault her life nearly fell apart last week, because we weren't there for her. We also got the "I need you" speech. The "This class means everything to me" speech. Its like being involved with someone who threatens suicide everytime you say you're going to leave. Its just too much pressure for too little reward.

But the coolest thing happened afterwards. I walked down with the person I like. The woman who had gotten berated for having a migraine. I first asked her if she was ok, and she nodded and got in her car. And then we continued to talk, and she finally admitted that she had gotten pissed off when Ring Nose had insisted that she come in even if she's sick.

Well, I didn't need much lighter fluid for this fire. I just started going off about how offensive I thought her guilt mongering was and how I didn't like how she was whacking an emotionally sensitive person on the nose with a newspaper for her own pleasure, and I had been trying to get up the courage to quit the class for the last two months.

The woman finally admitted she wanted to quit too. I was psyched. I asked her if she wanted to go to the head of the program together and talk about what was wrong with the class and she said yes. I'm not positive she'll do it (she's very easily bullied and doesn't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings), but I did take her phone number and she is going to talk to her shrink and to her case manager (we share the same person) and possibly drop out before next week.


So after all the angst and guilt of Ring Nose, I went out to our lake and took a 5 mile walk. I am still a little under the weather, with my cold, but I was ready to walk off all that extraneous guilt that was still clinging to me.

After several very cold days, we had a beauty today. It got up to almost 80 degrees and was sunny. I usually don't do the whole 5 miles, but I'm glad I did, because up past where I usually turn around there was a beautiful blue heron standing at the edge of the water. He was fairly indifferent to all the runners and walkers, so I just sat on a nearby bench to watch him spear fish with his beak.

There was actually a lot of wild life along the shore today. Ducks. Canada geese. Fish flipping up out of the water. And I saw a snake swimming along the edge of the shore. I walked over to get a closer look, and wouldn't you know it, that damn snake stopped swimming and looked up at me. Swear to God. It was the freakiest ass thing you ever saw. And then it continued to swim.

And I wasn't even on drugs.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty