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2004-03-19 @ 8:01 p.m.
beware the airborne poopie

Ok so I get food stamps, don't have a car, go to food pantries, buy clothes at the thrift store, can only dream of drinking a quadruple latte with gold plated cinnamon, but did the bank clerk have to ask me if my bank account could cover a $20 check today??

Oh hon, don't you know how rude that was? I was bringing in a check from a small graphics job I had just finished. And I did bathe this morning, and all, but this snerkwitz decided that perhaps I had jumped an old lady out in the parking lot and stolen a check for $20, and was trying to pass it off.

I do look the type after all. I'm very menacing looking. Five foot two, freckles, Reebok sneakers. I keep brass knuckles in my art bag.

Ya know, I could see if it was a check for $2000, or even $200, but $20?

Wait, let me call my husband, Bill Gates.

"Hi, sweetie, this guy at the bank just asked me if I have enough money in our bank account to cover a twenty dollar check. What do you think? Think we can sell a few shares of Microsoft? Or our place in Martha Vineyard? I could hock my diamond tiara, although I did want to wear it to your mother's house this weekend.

What? What's that? Buy the bank? You want to buy the bank? But Bill, we already own 374 banks. What? Oh you want to buy it just so your can fire this asshole for asking me such an insulting question?

But Bill, he's just a dumb 22 year old kid. He didn't mean anything. Oh, ok. He's history? OK, I'll give him the news. Now he can pursue his new career as someone who lives in poverty and doesn't have a car and gets asked if they have $20 in the bank to cover THEIR check.

Naturally I took the twenty and went out and bought crack cocaine, since that's what people like us do.

Crackhead Witty. My new persona. I was thinking of heading over to MacDonald's afterwards and stealing a bunch of ketchup packets and taking them my lair under the freeway overpass to make tomato soup.

Because isn't that what people who don't have twenty dollars in their bank accounts do?

What else do they do? Well evidently, they also scam insurance companies.

I was watching this report on "Primetime Live" last night about people who are approached for unnecessary medical in healthy people getting paid to get an operation, so that a surgeon can make big bucks off the insurance company.

Sounds delightful. Honk if you love cheaters!

Of course the story that I was really interested in was about the germs that live in your house. Naturally my mom had to call right in the middle of it. And it was the best part during which they filmed somebody's house under black light and it showed how all 1.7 trillion germs in a 2 foot square area glowed in the dark. Cool!

And what great reporting...did you know that when you flush your toilet that what you are actually doing is creating what might be described as a fecal matter tornado in your bathroom? Oh yay! The fecal matter becomes airborne or to put it more simply, the poopie dust is flying out over your innocent little toothbrush AND YOU WILL DIE IMMEDIATELY.

Needless to say, I went on a total shopping spree at the Dollar Store today. New kitchen sink sponges (which on the program was said to be a breeding ground for e. coli bacteria). New pan scrubber. New toothbrush (and I moved that sucker away from the toilet). New bottle of bleach. New soaps.

And I cleaned the whole bathroom and kitchen to within an inch of its life. I tried vacuuming, but I have one of these cheesy $39 Walmart vacuums, that probably have less suction than Paris Hilton.

But my mom and I have just thought of this invention...

You know those lint rollers you clean cat hairs off your clothes with? Well, we were thinking that they should make one for your rug. You know, where you roll a large sticky roller thingie along the floor, enabling you to pick up all 12.8 million cat hairs between you and the refrigerator. And then afterwards you simply pull off the sheets and throw them away. Great idea, right?

And if you steal it, I will have to come to your house, beat you about the head and make you watch "Lifetime Movies" with the sound off, just so you can realize how bad the acting really is. Anyways...

I was a busy little witty today. I also had another guy come to look at my car. He had called me Wednesday night just when I was leaving for my art class and then I saw his number on my caller ID today, I called him back.

Of the three who have looked at the piece of shit car, he seemed the most interested. He said he'd have to talk to his brother who does repair work.

And my mom looked at another car for herself today. We're thinking of possibly having me buy her old car, and her getting a different one. Of course I still have to sell my car first. And maybe the Mets will win the World Series...But I hate how all of these things are totally contingent on each other.

Kinda like actually having $20 in the bank to cover your freakin' check.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty