2004-03-23 @ 8:47 p.m.
|How jaded am I? Today during my pelvic exam, I was laying there thinking, gee I wonder if that guy in my new group noticed me today? And all this while a lesbian doctor was feeling my ovaries with a gloved hand.
(see, my lesbian angst from a couple of weeks ago was completely unfounded, considering that this lesbian, who has been my doctor for about 6 years, has seen more of me, than anyone else has, and I've never had a problem with it). In fact, I think I may have enjoyed the exam a little too much.
Gee "A", what's going on here? Am I just a little horn dog or what? Of course I had just come from a massage at Married Guy's house. Talk about anticlimactic. Not sure what was on his mind today, but it sure wasn't me.
We got to his house at the same time, and it was snowing like a freakin' blizzard and his house was really cold. And I looked pretty damn smashing today. Had just come from my appointment and group with "A". I was wearing a sheer white silky blouse that you could see my lacy bra through. The nips were highly visible. Navy slacks. I was having a good hair day.
Who knows, maybe I just overwhelmed the poor guy. We were alone in his house after all. He always backs off if we get too intense, which we have been recently. Guess he has to. So I didn't press anything, but I was a tad disappointed.
I did come back to the house later in the day for kidlet's piano lesson and he seemed a little more chipper, so I'm not really sure what was wrong during the massage. Maybe it was just the weather.
My appointment with "A" went very well earlier in the day. We're really on a roll. It's so nice when he leaves Married Guy out of the equation. But we had more important things to talk about today. Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. We touched briefly on it. "A" is most excellent at grief counseling. Everyone from when I lost my Dad last year to even when I lost my cat a couple of years ago, he is very compassionate about the loss of anybody in your life.
Our subject matter did veer back towards art and sex though when we once again talked about how riled up art is making me. And I also talked about how different the two styles of art I have been doing.
I have the simplistic, almost childlike stuff I do at the mental health center downtown, and then I have the very sensual, adult stuff I do at the community center. The styles between them are so completely different that you can't even tell they're by the same artist. It's really weird. And I've been trying to figure out why I'm splitting like that.
I told "A" that I'd like to have the two artist meet perhaps...maybe somewhere in the middle. He asked if I thought I had multiple personalities and I gave him a definitive no. No way. It's the same person drawing both pieces of art. It's just different aspects of the same personality, right?
When I told Married Guy about the different art styles, he thought it was just because I was bipolar, as in what? BI-arty? Not sure why, but I sort of took offense at that suggestion. Bipolar can mean a lot of things, but I don't think two different styles of drawing is one of them.
So "A" is still trying to get me to bring my artwork in with me, so he can look at the two different styles and he see if he can determine what's going on.
But I'm still shy about that, even though I showed him my very first week of drawing, which included about 6 pages of penises. Oy! I must have been on drugs that week!
After we talked about the diverse styles we also got into my sexual connection with the art, and he said he was going to bring up sex in our group, which is 45 minutes after my appointment and sure enough, he did. Not sure why, but I just kept giggling throughout the whole group. I think it was because he plucked several things out of my session, and used them in a general way for the group, but we both knew they were from me. tee hee.
And also for some reason, he started talking about stories from HIS early love life which involved a series of crazy female artsy type girlfriends. And I'm sitting there wondering....what's this all about? I did pipe up once with something to the affect that "Not all female artists are crazy, ya know!"
Of course I can't exactly put myself in the not-crazy category, since I'm Bipolar, with a capital B, and I'm doing all sorts of oddball things right now in my life, which I discussed with "A" earlier, which would definitely cement that fact. So crazy female artist it is.
Let's hear it for Crazy Female Artists!
But I think I just lived such a straight laced existence my whole life, that when I was finally diagnosed with the bipolar thing a few years ago (a diagnosis which my mother STILL doesn't believe), I just finally threw caution to the wind, and slowly became freer and more fun! And my artwork really shows it!
I actually think I made Married Guy a little jealous today, telling him I was talking about sex and art with "A". I think he's also slowly realizing that my Wednesday night art gig with the nude models is more than just a drawing class, its a journey towards sexual self-discovery and he's not part of it.
It sucks not to be me, huh?
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty