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2004-06-02 @ 7:43 p.m.
dodging lightening bolts and hotties

Man, my mind is just a super highway, with a giant traffic jam. There's a big car wreck up ahead, and the ambulances are trying to get to the injured, but I'm not sure if they're going to make it on time.

That's kinda how I feel today. Like the guy pinned in the automobile with only the sound of a siren in the distance for comfort.

Went to see "A" this morning. Asked him for suggestions for some depression meds, since the Big D is really kicking my ass at the moment. He asked why my case mgt. place wasn't helping me with that. The sum total of their help was to give me the name of two psychiatrists, neither of whom took my health insurance. Second Possibility? Wait 2-3 months to get in at the public health clinic.

I really just wanted him to perhaps call my regular doctor and make a suggestion for some meds, but then he reminded me for about the 20th time...bipolars can't take depression meds because it makes them more manic.

I guess I forgot I'm already manic and trying to mow everyone's lawn in a 20 mile radius.

I also asked him if he knew of anyone who needed house or pet sitting over the summer, since I'm in desperate need of money.

Well, unfortunately he knows my history of inappropriate behavior in other people's houses (their houses are safe, but their beds aren't), so he couldn't recommend me in good conscience.

Fair enough, but still frustrating.

I, of course, also can't handle a 9-5 type job because my brain is so fried by three years of psychiatric drugs, which I need to be on. I think the only thing my brain can handle these days is ART, because its subjective and there are no rules.

I did finally spit out the fact that I was despondent over him leaving and he wondered if despondent wasn't a bit too dramatic. I said no. Nothing is too dramatic if you're a drama queen.

The next part was kind of a blur and probably best left unsaid here.

After "A"'s appointment, we had group. The Hottie Tom from last week was back. We did the little 1.2 second MEG (meaningful emotional glance). The I missed you...I think we're perfect for each other...are you gay...lets have coffee..are you a serial killer...why aren't we dating...our kids would be adorable glance.

You know the one. We all do them.

I again got stuck with the tilting office chair. I sat down in it and immediately flipped backwards. "A" was standing right next to me doing something at his desk and I think I knocked into him. But I was just trying to regain my balance. My feet just don't touch the floor in that chair.

And why do I keep getting the comic relief chair? Is it a plot? Or what?

But than the most delightful thing happened. Mr. Hottie Tom came sailing right over, without any prompting and got down on the floor and adjusted the chair, so it was closer to the floor and I wouldn't flip half ass over backwards. Plus he smiled up at me, as he was adjusting the gears.

And then gee, as he was doing that, someone else came and sat in his old DARN, he had to pull up a new chair right next me.

My, what an unfortunately string of events. Me and Hottie Tom forced to sit in close proximity to each other for 45 minutes.

But I was brave.

Me glancing over: Gee...his hands sure look rough looking. Wonder if he's in construction? Hmmm. I'm not usually into manly men. You know, guys with callouses and untrimmed cuticles.

And, I did wonder if was checking me out at all. He was sitting somewhat behind me, so I tried to make my wrists and hands, which was stretched out in front of me, look as attractive as humanly possible.

Yeah, I'm sure he was totally smitten.

Or it could have been a new woman in the group. She was blonde and had such short-SHORTS on, that I think most of the heads might have been swiveled in that direction during much of group.

Spit-hiss-spit!! Ok. I don't do well with competition. I mean, how can I possibly compete with a tall, willowy blonde? I can't. %$#%!

The Eight is Enough Guy was finally back after a two week hiatus. He talked about meeting up with a new Filipino chick and "A" shot me a knowing glance when he said "Filipino". My Dad was bamboozled by a Filipino Mail Order whore, so that kind of set me on edge.

After group the Eight is Enough guy made a direct bee-line to the new short-SHORTS blonde out in the parking lot... all smiling and grinning and probably inviting her to lunch like he had done to me weeks earlier.

Earlier he had stopped me and Paul out in the hallway and said, "Gee, we haven't done our lunch yet. Maybe next week." Thats if he's not busy.

Hey, good for him. He's a nervous little guy, but God bless him for having the balls to go right up to a blonde girl and hit on them make them feel welcome. Maybe the other guys in the group should take note.


I did go out to lunch with a couple of the girls once again. Just soda from me since I'm still two days away from payday, so to speak.

I am very concerned about my one friend. She's in a new relationship with a man who is living down at a residential unit for recovering alcoholics. It's funny when people tell you about fledgling relationships, and you can see all these red flags flying all over the place and they can't. I'm sure shrinks go through this all the time. But I just let her talk. I guess you really can't keep people from making mistakes unless You're the Mommy, and They're the Kid. Or you have a shrink like "A". I just hope she's ok, because she's a really nice woman and only deserves the best.

Afterwards I took a long walk along a local canal. I was well behaved today. No flashing of chipmunks. But about a mile out, some really black rain clouds started to congregate and I quickly started to head back towards my car. Soon big forks of lightening were zig zagging all over the place. I felt like I was in tornado alley in Kansas or something.

Man, I just don't know what it is about me and lightening this summer. These damn storms blow up in like 5 minutes, and when you're out hiking and you're at least a mile from car and/or civilization and suddenly you're in the middle of "Twister", it's kinda scary.

I did run the last 1/5 mile in a total downpour and when I got into my car I was drenched and my heart was pounding. I just KNOW God has a lightening bolt with my name on it this summer.

I then went over to Target and called Married Guy several times to see if kidlet was going to do music today, but only got his voice mail, so I finally ended up at the library where I picked up an e-mail from him saying: NO MUSIC TODAY. Oh. Wish he could have called and told me that this morning, so I wouldn't have had to waste several hours out at that end of town in anticipation of a music lesson. But whatever...

I did finally talk to him when I got home. He's just recovering from running a marathon this weekend. He was very proud of the fact that he had run this marathon 8 minutes faster than the last marathon he ran 8 years ago. I know he's in great shape, just because of all the training he did, and of course his job is very physical too.

So I cooed appropriately. Yay Married Guy. He seemed happy that I was interested in all the particulars of the race and he thanked me for taking care of the house and the pets.

And don't forget, I dusted off your computer too!

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty