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2004-08-12 @ 1:26 a.m.
using a new instrument to paint with....

Tiredness pervaded my day like it has for the last week, but I powered through with two naps, a big shot of caffeine and the will to make art. Because, you see, today was Double Art Day. I had missed my time down at the Crazy Crazy place last week, because of sheer exhaustion, but I knew those art supplies were gathering dust, because their Creative Expressions class has pretty much tanked. Iím the only one who comes in to make art.

Driving down I was hit with a wave of weakness right after I got in the car. Iíve noticed Iím pretty good until I stand up for the first time, and then kaboom. I feel like I just ran the Boston Marathon in reverse. But I got there and got the Third Degree as usual. Anytime I miss a week, and mind you, this is a walk in mental health center, they act like you havenít been there in a year, and they say things like they were going to send out an APB on you.

But I guess thatís to make you feel important and I certainly need that. Especially after ďAĒs appointment yesterday, where I placed third in importance, after him and his laptop. One of the women did take me aside and say, ďI donít want to hurt your feelings or anything, but you donít look very good. Are you OK? You look like youíve lost weight.Ē

Well, I never tire of hearing that, and thatís the third time Iíve heard that this week.

I explained what was going on and about my trip to the ER and she said she was sorry to hear that. She then set up the room for me to paint in. Usually I chip in and set up the table, but I just collapsed in a nearby chair and waited for everything to be set up, and then got the art supplies out. Iíve now torn through their entire supply of canvases, and they are down to their last three. I used two today. And Iíve also used up much of their acrylic paints, so I told the woman the supplies were getting low. She said they would be getting more, if needed.


So the first one I did was one of my abstract thingies. I was painting the background of the canvas and, for crissakes, I was actually getting pooped out with all the brush strokes. Now thatís tired. I did feel a little better once I started splashing on the additional colors. I guess because that took a little more concentration, and I got distracted. So here is that one. Kinda looks like a seagull pooped on a blue car or something, but try to think of it as something classy. OK?

And then I still had a lot of time, since the first one only took a half hour, so I drew this stupid cat picture. I really am bipolar evidently. Because first, I do this serious, artistic abstract, and then I do this three year old drawing of a puddy tat...all within an hourís time.

I then headed home for a power nap. I knew I had to nap because I had my figure drawing class tonight, and thatís three hours long, and last week I had been so sapped of energy that it was almost a waste of money to attend the class since I produced shit. So I lightly dozed for about 34 minutes and then took a shower. A kind of sensuous shower. And then felt kinda frisky.

My love-life (the one involving only me) had really took a serious hit lately. For most of the summer I had been a total sex maniac. Getting the freak on 1-3 times a day, in all kinds of locations, both private and (cough) public. I had been totally out of control, and had had to work on it with ďAĒ. But then when I went out to the Nanny job, and went through all that shit, my desire to be desirable, had totally ceased. And then came the War and Peace length period. And then the fatigue. But today I was ready.

I was ready, baby.

Why? Because I had done the oddest thing in my shower. I was shaving my legs. And shaving my bikini area. And then I kept going. I basically shaved everything. Freakiní hell.

Umm. Not sure why I did that. (laughing nervously). I guess Iíve seen some of our stylish nude models shaved all the way. At first I was totally eeked out by it. And then kind of intrigued. The model last week had been clean shaven, and on her, it looked very sensual.

So, damn, I now have no hair below my neck. Although friends....Iím not sure if I recommend doing it yourself, because I now feel like there is a steel wool pad rubbing against my thighs. You know, the very short hairs, your razor doesnít get.

But the good news is...what great masturbatory conditions!! No deep, dark woods to stumble through, because the Gates of Heaven are right there. Woo hoo! I canít remember the last time I had two orgasms in such close proximity of each other, especially being the senior citizen that I am. Yay me! I had actually flung myself onto the bed a second time just as I was leaving for my class, because I was so damn horny.

And then we had a male model tonight. And wouldnít you know it? He didnít have a pubic hair either. Is that not freaky? well, HE is freaky. He is Mike the Exhibitionist Male Model. We had this guy one other time, and he is an older guy, probably in his early fifties, with a good body, and a very large love stick, and boy does he like to show it off. He does all these dramatic poses like standing on top of stools on one leg throwing a javelin. Or wrapping a rope around a wood post and strapping his body to it and hanging off the edge of the stage (you just know this guy does S&M) like heís rappelling Mt. Everest.

Tonight for one of his longer poses he got out a construction hard hat and all these electrical wires and 2 sets of jumper cables. I was up at the snack table with Kevin. I was totally convinced the guy was going to clamp one of the jumper cables to his dick or something. But fortunately he didnít.

He did later come down and talk to me. I wasnít really in a talking mood tonight, but Mike the Exhibitionist Model was. And I was sitting down. And he was standing up...a Ďla natural. And I was about eye level with the tremendously large love-stick.


It was right after one of the poses and I think he wanted to see my drawing of him, but I always shut my sketch pad right after the pose ends because Iím shy about people seeing my work. So Mike the Exhibitionist Model just decides to reach down and grab my sketch pad off the table.

And Iím like Boundaries, my dear. Boundaries. So I put my hand over the pad and just flipped through a few drawings. And he said, ďI love your work. Its so colorful.Ē

Ok, fine. Now can we move your tremendously large love stick out of my range of vision? Although wouldnít it be cool to discuss my recent shaving adventures, since we both look like we share the same proclivity for that downy soft smoothness.

Ack, no. Just kidding. you can go now. dismissed. shoo!

I really do wish I could get over my shyness though. Not with obnoxious nude men, but with nice, potential dating material. I think that the guy K, my second potential art class husband, the one with the soulful Jewish face, wants to ask me out. He doesnít come every week, but he is a regular, and he always talks to me. And I can just see it in his face. Heís very self effacing, as I am. He made a joke tonight about being short. Well, Iím short too, only about 5 ft. 3. Heís probably about 5 ft. 6Ē. That doesnít bother me at all. Iím not into big bruiser anyways. Married Guy is only about 5 ft. 9Ē. My Dad was only 5 ft. 5Ē. But I find with him, I just totally stumble verbally. Its like my tongue is made of molasses. Iím unable to talk or make jokes. I guess its because heís a potential date mate...somebody who isnít married and who is actually available and that is really frightening to me.

Iím not totally attracted to K. I like really confident exuberant men, and heís like a character in a Woody Allen movie. But maybe once I got to know him, that would change, or I would find that endearing like Diane Keaton used to find Woody endearing. Who knows?

So thatís been my day. And Iím super tired. And tomorrow is a big day for a tired person, starting at 9 a.m. with ďAĒs group (I have half a mind to just blow it off, like he blew me off yesterday), and then a noon appointment with my case manager, and then a 3 p.m. appointment with my doctor to look at test results and then dinner at the mediocre restaurant and the piano guy with my mom at 5. I really donít know if I will be able to get through that whole day. Because even with those spaces in the schedule, there is some driving involved and I wonít be able to come home and power nap like Iíll probably need too. Oh well, I guess Iíll cross that bridge when I trip over it.

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