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2004-10-27 @ 1:27 a.m.
guardcat's extreme home makeover

My cat is very confused, poor dear. On diaryland, she’s Guardcat. In real life she’s named after a mountain range in California. But around the house, she has a wide range of names. And the names I have come up with for her are so numerous, that I think she may have forgotten her real name. Because on any given day I can call her freakface, fluffyhead, fluffybrain, kittikins, pussydoodle, freak-a-docious (my favorite), freaky, freak, furff, snerff, plastichead (she is constantly chewing on plastic grocery bags for some reason, thus the title), pussy magoo, fooofy, creaky (her meow is truly in need of some WD-40), and evil one.

She has pretty much given up responding to any of them, not that cats respond to you anyways. The only way to get her attention, and I’m sure its due to my excellent cat training skills, is when I say, “yum, yums”. Now I think anyone who has a pet has those secret code words that only they and their pets know. Like when I lived with my mom and her 4 cats, it was “Who’s hungry” and then all the cats in the entire house would come running because that meant, DINNERTIME.

Well, in our house, its the words “yum, yums”, which roughly translated means, mommy is going to open the magical cupboard door, which hold the equally magical supply of wet cat food and soon, creaky freakface will be up to her whiskers in some foul smelling fishy stuff. Of course, part of the fun, is reserved for me and me alone. I can say “yum, yums” and not mean it. heh, heh. But would I do that? Of course not!!

But I do get to say, “You want some...YUM YUMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in this incredibly annoying high pitched screamy voice that only Ecuadorian fruit bats and my cat can hear. And Guard Cat, even if she is dead to the world, in a different room, will immediately jump up as if she’s been poked with an electric cattle prod, and come running into the kitchen, howling and screeching like I haven’t fed her in 17 days. I have, mind you fed her. She just likes to act like a spoiled, overwrought drama queen. Gee, I wonder where she gets that from?

But speaking of spoiled, Guard Cat was recently the lucky recipient of an Extreme Home Makeover from Cat Fancy Magazine. It was truly fabulous. ABC came up our driveway with 792 workmen and they preceded to tear down a house on ***** Drive. Unfortunately it was the wrong house. It was my Eye-talian landlord’s house. And boy were they ever pissed! But once that was rectified, they did do a fabulous job on Guardcat’s new living space! It was everything she had ever dreamed about. What was it? Well, it was her own kitty jacuzzi complete with powerful waterjets for those achy kitty muscles. She asked me to include a picture for her:

Shhhh! Just don’t tell her, that I sneak in and use it occasionally.

Anyways, went to see the ever-helpful and effervescent “A” this morning. Told him about my new job offer and he seemed happy for me. But then we launched into the Married Guy e-mail. I actually had it in my pocket, but I never took it out. He usually reads our letters to each other, so he can offer a professional opinion. Again he feels like it was a mostly one-sided fantasy on my part and that I misunderstood M.G.’s intentions, blaming my illness (bipolar and other major diagnosis) for not being able to differentiate. That did make me feel crummy since it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to have a real relationship, because it’ll always be overshadowed by MY ILLNESS. The only thing he did give me was that Married Guy had trouble with boundaries.

I still feel like Married Guy is getting off scott free though. Like for instance, he had wanted me to come up to his house today, according to his e-mail and just “forget all the drama”. That really made me feel dismissed, just like I did this morning (i.e., it was all a fantasy) and it wasn’t a good feeling.

So I did write Married Guy an e-mail last night. I had written several meaty ones, including one comparing him to a hemorrhoid, but in the end, I just sent a non-confrontational one saying I wouldn’t be there today. Thought I would take the high road this time. No more injurious e-mails. I have already done enough damage for one decade, right “A”?

But I will be sending his son a birthday card next week however. I really miss kidlet. I haven’t seen him in five weeks now, I think, and its a shame, because he’s probably been wondering whats going on. So at least, I’ll acknowledge his 13th birthday the first week of November. I think he’ll be a terrifically entertaining teenager.

I did also tell “A” about my new proclivity for walking around talking aloud to myself. I had done a lengthy session of that on Sunday night. I had paced around my house for over an hour, talking aloud to Married Guy, as if he were there, telling him every last thing I wanted to say to him, both good and bad. It may sound weird, but it was amazingly therapeutic. So what did “A” say to that? He asked if I was naked.


Ok, he knows me pretty well, and the need to be naked, especially when I’m angsting, is a legitimate question. But no, I didn’t pace around my house naked talking to nobody. Even I have to draw the line somewhere. Although I did later watch “Desperate Housewives” and “Boston Legal” naked. And aren’t digital cameras handy when you feel the urge to take pictures of yourself naked watching “Desperate Housewives” and “Boston Legal”? heh, heh.

yeah, baby!

So I really didn’t do much after my shrink appointment today. I did go grocery shopping. Got my all important clonopin prescription. Took a four mile walk out at the lake. Saw lots of Canadian geese. And got the news, that I got the funding for my YWCA membership. YAY! I cannot wait to get into that pool. (Note to self: Don’t forget to put on your bathsuit witty. Oh, ok)

And I’m really, really looking forward to tomorrow’s art class. Its one of the biggest events of the year. Its our: BOO-tacular! A Halloween Celebration of Monumental Proportions! We’re going to have our one model who is a witch pose, and she has lots of costumes like green velvet capes and probably knives with squirting blood or something. And there will be a whole slew of bizarre and obscure Halloween music by this cool guy with waist length hair. And there will be drawings for prizes. And then during the break, everyone gets to put on a psychotically creepy mask provided by Johnson, and they’ll take a group shot of everyone. It’ll kinda be like class pictures for weird artsy types.

I got to be in the Mardi Gras picture back last winter. We got all dressed up with masks and those cheap plastic beads they throw at Mardi Gras parades down in New Orleans. It was really fun. Plus they had some great Cajun and blues music playing the whole night. So I’m really looking forward to it. It’ll definitely be the high point of my week..that is, unless I win the “You’ve-Found-Your-Soulmate-And-He’s-Incredibly-Rich” lottery.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty