blackbird.jpg (30437 bytes)

2004-11-20 @ 7:20 p.m.
Five men and me in a hot swirling cauldron of sensuous fluids...meh

when harry met sally
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, its not really surprising to me, to have scored "When Harry Met Sally". Its my favorite chick flick, if you can call it that. Its the one that I would most like to be my life. Have a male friend. Have him be my best friend. And then have us realize we are in love and can't live without each other. My only question...

Where's my Harry?

Today, I was off to the mall with the money my aunt and uncle had given me for Christmas. Ok, its a little early, but who's going to question $40! Yay! Plus my aunt, being my aunt, had also given me a coupon for a certain sale which was only happening between 7 a.m. to noon, so I had to haul my ass out of bed to get some new Reeboks. Mine were over 3 years old and I have probably walked about 1000 miles in them. They were beat. So after I bought them, I took the bag out into the mall, took off the old decrepit ones and put on my brand new, blazingly bright ones. As I was tying them, some old lady walked by. "You shouldn't be doing that. Its raining out, you know, you'll ruin them!"

Back off granny.

Fortunately, I still had about $15 left so I went and got some really cool hand woven wool Peruvian gloves. They're all different colors...purple, black, dark blue. I've had those hand made gloves before. In fact I still have a single one left from last winter. I've been using it as a cell phone case. How clever is that? A multicolored washable Peruvian wool cell phone case with fingers? Ha!

Aquarians are so cool!

And I was feeling pretty cool anyways. I had just dyed my hair. I always feel better after a dye job. I think I look pretty good for my extremely advanced years (ack. 46). And I only think like that, because in one of my meetings this last week, one of the speakers, in passing, had mentioned that she was 45. And I was like WTF. I thought she was about 53. She had that alligator skin from too much sun. As well as lots of wrinkles. And a deep furrow above her brow.

I, on the other hand, have really good skin. I'm not much of a sun person. And I've been slathering lotions on my skin since I was in my 20's. My mother also likes to take credit. Even though she is 76, she is remarkably wrinkle-free. Sure she could use a brow lift and some collagen in her cheek folds, but her skin is really smooth. And I'm thinking I'm taking after her in the skin department (finally! something worth inheriting from my mother!), because I think I look maybe 40. Not 2.5 months away from 47.

So I was walking around the mall, looking all cool with my new sneakers and Peruvian gloves and long dark hair. I'm really surprised I didn't find my Harry today. But with the little money left over I decided to go to movies. I used to really love going to the movies. I went to my first movie at 3 days old. It was a Marlon Brando movie called "The Young Lions". yup, yup, yup. I remember it well. Roger Ebert and I were doing an early film review show then. He gave "The Young Lions" a thumbs up and I think I puked up formula or something.

I actually used to go to the movies a lot when I was younger. I was a movie critic for various newspapers out in California and Oregon. My first newspaper column was called Screen Scene. Wasn't that original? Hey, I was only 18 when I thought of that. It took the newspaper a good month and a half before they figured out how to spell my last name. Every week I would carry in my film review and shyly say, "'scuse me ma'am, but you've got my last name spelled wrong. Could you please change it?" The typesetter, Olive, wouldmomentarily glance at me, like I was from the planet Zagtar, and then continue typing 3000 wpm like I didn't exist

Oh, ok. Writers aren't important. Got it.

But the best part, was that I had an excuse to go to the movies several times a week. And I used to go a lot with my gay boyfriend from high school. And it was even better when we both got jobs at different movie theatres in town and were able to go to each other's movie theatres for free. Especially early on, when I didn't get paid for my film reviews. I don't really know who was more rabid about movies though. Me or "G". I had always gone to a lot of movies with my parents, so I was used to going, but he had grown up in a really religious household, so when I introduced him to movies, he really took to them.

We even got into movie memorabilia. We used to go down to this movie memorabilia store in San Francisco and buy movie posters and stills. He was far worse than me in that department. I mostly just bought Woody Allen posters, but he bought everything. He even bought a poster which said..."Coming soon to a galaxy near you.... " Yeah, a poster promoting "Star Wars", before any of us knew what that was going to be about all about. Fruck. He just liked the graphics on it. It was on silver paper. And now its worth thousands of dollars.

And I have my "Annie Hall" poster, which is probably worth about $6 on E-Bay. Yay, witty!

See how loving comedies has enriched my life?

But with my extra money today I did go see, "Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason." Damn. Why did I do that? Well, Hugh Grant was the main reason. I like my Hugh. I love Hugh. I actually lust for Hugh. Yeah, I've always had a thing for the English pretty boy. I think its less his looks, although, hey, woof on those lovely blue eyes and toofy grin, but its really his wit, that has always won me over. But unfortunately, like last year's "Love, Actually", Hugh is only in about 1/5 of the film, leaving the rest of the 2 hours filled with Rene Z, which wasn't a good thing.

Today's film was really labored. I couldn't understand her attraction to the stodgy lawyer guy other than the fact that he was a successful lawyer and he didn't despise her as much as she despised herself, because of her weight. The only time it held my interest was the 10 minutes she was in Thailand with Hugh, with whom she really had chemistry. And what was the title all about? The Edge of Reason? It was more like The Edge of Boredom. Or the Edge of a Gratuitous Lesbian Kissing Scene that didn't make any Sense. What a waste of money. I really needed a comedy today.

After the movie, I went to the YMCA to use their whirlpool. My back is painfully sore at the moment. Actually all of me is sore, because of my damn fibro. So as I was heading to the lockerroom, I saw this tiny blonde tot walking in a hallway near the pool unattended. And I was like WTF?!? She was just trying to open the locker room door and was about ready to get her fingers stuck in the door. So I opened the door and she toddled in. I was right behind her saying, "Where's your mommy, honey?" She kept going, and I opened the next door and she toddled around some lockers and then some woman said, "hey there" to the little girl. And I looked at the woman and said, "You do know your baby was just out in the hallway by herself." And she said, "No she wasn't, her big sister was with her." and nodded towards a girl who was about 10 years old. And I looked at the girl and I said, "No she wasn't. She was all alone when I just came in the door. She was trying to get in the door by herself". The woman said, "No my daughter was with her, weren't you?" And her daughter looked at me nervously and nodded her head. Me: "Well, she wasn't and I was kinda worried about her." Then the woman just turned away and ignored me.

Well, whatevah!

I finally made my way out to the whirlpool and nearly turned around. There were five men were in the whirlpool. Five men and me in a hot swirling cauldron of sensuous fluids together? Hmmm. Didn't seem doable.

Now see, if this were a movie there would be a scene where I had a devil sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on my other shoulder, and the devil would be saying, "Go ahead witty, go jump in that water with all those men. It's a great opportunity. There's no competition. You look stunning with that newly dyed hair of yours. The hot water makes you look flush and somewhat aroused and they'll be asking for your phone number within the first five seconds."

And then the angel will lean over and say, "But witty, they're probably all married. And they'll probably "come on" to you anyways. And you know what THAT gets you. That gets you a broken heart. That makes you sad. And you don't want that, right?"

And then suddenly there is a third character to pop into the scene. It's "A". "Go for it. Ya hear me! You're not getting any younger, ya know. This may be your very last chance EVER in the universe in the history of the world. "

thanks, (cough) "A".

So I stood on the edge of the hallway for about 5 minutes. I really wanted to get into the whirlpool to help my pain, but I was totally paralyzed with fear at the thought of descending into a pool of boiling water with five men looking on. I am uber-shy. And lets not even get into the fact that I had a bathing suit on and you could see my cleavage (what little there is).

But I finally did. And it was totally nerve wracking, because I had to make my funny, squishy face as I was stepping into the 102 degree water and try not to fall face first into the whirlpool. I could feel the looks, and all I could think was, gee I wish I had money for a bikini wax. But maybe it was just me. Maybe nobody was looking. Maybe they were looking over towards the pool at their kids. Maybe they were checking out that cute girl with the good figure and bellybutton jewelry who walked by. Maybe I was just being my usual paranoid self who thinks every man has an agenda. But soon everybody started getting out. And that was when I snuck a peak at one of the guys leaving. And man, oh, man, with that wet, clingy bathing suit...let's just say right here and now....nice ass, whirlpool boy. :-)

So was that hypocritical? Hoping that the men in the whirlpool wouldn't check me out as I got in, but then I was checking them out as they got out? Perhaps. But lets just say, that'll be our little secret, OK?

0 comments so far << | >>

Older Entries
upsy, downsy, upsy, splat! - 2010-05-22
April sours bring May flowers? - 2010-05-01
when finding a head in the recycling bin is the highlight of your month - 2010-03-28
fifty two chances to be awesome...ok maybe - 2010-02-20
its sorta like "Grease" except there's no musical numbers and I'm really old - 2010-02-05


Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty