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2005-01-31 @ 12:52 a.m.
how I managed to pass the OCD test in flying colors

The following is adapted from the Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (YBOCS), and is not meant to replace a thorough evaluation by a licensed Cognitive-Behavioral therapist or other qualified mental health professional. It may, however, help you to get a better idea of whether or not you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Do you often have repetitive, intrusive, unwanted thoughts that upset you or make you anxious, and that you can't get out of your mind no matter how much you try?
Oh, you mean like obsessing about getting in my car and driving to the store and going to the bulk food section and jamming my face deep into the chocolate non-peril bulk food bin and snorting up small chunks of chocolate? Well, maybe a little.

Do you worry excessively about speaking or acting in a manner that you think is harmful, violent, sexually inappropriate, immoral, or sacrilegious?
Have you read my diary lately? And to think no one has ever commented on my desire to take an uzi down to the shopping mall at Christmas and pick off Christmas shoppers with large bags of presents.

Do you repeatedly ruminate about unwanted thoughts in an effort to prove to yourself that you will not act in a manner that you think is harmful, violent, sexually inappropriate, immoral, or sacrilegious?
Rumination is my middle name and now that I'm ruminating about how I should be answering the rumination question, hopefully I won't sound like some kind of person who is harmful, or violent, or sexually inappropriate (whadda ya think "A"?...Can we let this one slide? No? Oh dear, more fodder for rumination), or immoral or sacrilegious (does this include my fantasy for whacking that nun long side the head who beat me in front of my fifth grade class with her ruler for not being able to do long division?)

Do you often recite prayers or repeat certain phrases in an effort to rid yourself of unwanted thoughts or to ensure that nothing bad happens?
Oh you mean, "Penis, Penis, Bo Benis, Banana, Fana, Fo, Fenis, Fe Fi Fo Fenis, Penis!"

Do you often repeat routine, daily activities to ensure that you did not harm someone (e.g., driving back to a certain place in the road to reassure yourself that you did not run over a pedestrian)?
Only to make sure I got the job done right the first time. Damn Republicans!

Do you wash your hands or shower more often or for longer periods of time than most other people?
If I could get a 3000 gallon hot water heater installed in my apartment, my showers would definitely last longer. And would someone please install more paper towel holders so I wouldn't have to touch bathroom door handles when I leave?

Do you excessively clean objects (e.g., clothes, towels, bed sheets, household items, your car interior, furniture, etc.)?
Well, I guess I'm not a total OCD. :-)

Do you repeatedly visually check to be sure you have properly performed a just-completed task (e.g., looking to be sure you have signed a check, reopening a mailbox to be sure you have deposited a letter, etc.)?
You mean the 4 hours I spend on my d'land entry, making sure there's no typos or grammatical errors. Well, maybe.

Do you often repeat routine behaviors (e.g., locking doors, turning off light switches, turning off stove burners, etc.) because you are not sure you have done these behaviors or done them "just right"?
Does checking the lock on my front door, every time I walk by it on the way to the bathroom count? Well, I guess so then.

Do you frequently ask others for reassurance that tasks have been properly completed (e.g., "Did I lock the door?" "Did I shut the windows?" etc.)
Only in my head. But then I'll ask them obsessively in my head, hoping that somehow psychically I'll get the person to somehow ask me the question since I'm too shy to ask them in person.

Do you repeatedly ask others for reassurance that you have not done something "wrong," "bad," or harmful?
Again, only in my head, and very obsessively.

Do you unnecessarily arrange, order, or tidy the contents of your desk, closets, cabinets, refrigerator, bookshelves, etc., in an effort to make them symmetrical or "just right"?
Strike two on the OCD thing. Hell no. My desk and house is total chaos. I have to find all this paperwork for my Section Eight stuff and I'm totally freaked out because I have like * 1.6 trillion pieces of paper in my tiny apartment and none of them have specific homes. They're all just jammed in various crevices. I AM NOT ORGANIZED.

Do you unnecessarily straighten common household objects such as window blinds or rugs in an effort to make them symmetrical or "just right" (e.g., window blinds, rugs, papers, etc)?
Not in my house, but in public places. I also have this nervous habit where I like to garden in doctor offices. If I see dead leaves on plants, I will start doing a Martha Stewart right there, trimming leaves, turning over the soil, adding compost, washing the outside of the pot. yeah. I'm weird.

Do you repeatedly count mundane items that do not really merit counting (e.g., ceiling tiles, floor tiles, books, records, clothes, light poles, cars, etc.)?
If it involves math, probably not.

Do you have great difficulty discarding things that have no practical value and that most other people would consider trash (e.g., old newspapers or magazines, receipts, useless papers, clothing you have not worn in years, empty food containers, etc.)?
See * (1.6 trillion pieces of paper in my apartment), not to mention everything I've ever owned since childhood including a dried up egg of silly putty I've had in my desk draw since 1963.

(I think I might possibly qualify as OCD. What do you think?)

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