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2006-08-06 @ 8:51 p.m.
at the sound of the beep...leave a movie

I picked up the phone and it was the library across the street.

Library Woman: "Is this witty?
Me: "Yes"
Library Woman: "Your DVD copy of "Princess Bride" is in."
Me: "Thanks, but you guys got me a copy of it a week ago."
Library Woman: "No we didn't. This just arrived this morning. We'll put it on hold for you for three days."
Me: "No really that's fine. I've already seen it and returned it, so you can just put it back on the shelves."
Library Woman: "But you ordered it and now we're notifying you."
Me: "But you guys already called me last Monday and I walked over and checked it out and then brought it back the next day. Thanks!!"
Library Woman: (slight pause) "No you didn't. According to our computers, you just checked out "Lust for Life" and "Style Wars" today, so we'll just put this one on hold until you come over."
Me: "I think if you look back a week ago, you'll see that I checked out "Princess Bride" and returned it the next day. (slight pause while I looked at my caller ID to see when they called as long as we were all being so anal). "You called me at 2:36 p.m. Monday and you had gotten a copy from the ***** Library. It only took one day."
Library Woman: "Well, we'll put this copy on hold for you for three days."
Me (rolling my eyes for nobody but myself): "That would be lovely. Thanks."

So we both hung up and then like two minutes later the phone rings again and its the same voice: "Is this witty?"
Me: "Yes"
Library Woman: "Are you sure you got "Princess Bride" last week?"
Me: "Yes"
Library Woman: "I guess I don't quite you still want us to put this on hold then?"

I'm so glad we have this woman working for our county library system.

And then of course there was the lesbian coworker at the picnic, who when I told her that I had just had my 30th high school reunion, looked at me and said, "Then that would make you 58 years old, right?" Ooof! Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, she wasn't being sarcastic. She's just dumber than a bag full of George W. Bushes.

Anyways the severe and traumatic blow of hearing the words "Fifty-eight years old" and my name were softened considerably, when I was later talking to this other woman who refused to believe I was even 40. And all I have to say is:

Thank you Clairol Hair Dye gods!

Both of my parents looked good well into their fifties though, so I'm hoping that other than my boobs, which are currently heading south a bit, I'll continue to stun and dazzle.

I'm currently ensconced in a battle of wills in seems this week. I, of course, get food stamps, because I'm "one of those". Once a year I have to get a landlord statement telling the food stamp department all the particulars of my rental situation. At my last rental it was easy. My landlord lived 8 steps away from my front door. All I had to do was fill everything out and then have Mrs. Soprano sign it.

Well, after my big yelling debacle with my incredibly incompetent landlord last month, it seems that he's decided to make things difficult for me. After all my calls to him about the Garden Hacker Guy with no resolution and after the big screaming match we had at my front door, where he threatened to evict me, I really have a lot of anxiety about talking to him again. I mean if I had seen him standing out somewhere I might have gone over and had him sign the stupid form. But I never saw him this last weekend. And then Monday, I got all angsted up about calling him because of our previous clash, so I had my case manager call him. He was extremely rude to her on the phone and said he was going on vacation and he'd "try" to get to my paperwork. Funny how easy it was to gather all the (cough) rent checks. So my case manager wrote him a letter on our letterhead asking him politely if he would sign the paperwork and get them back to me ASAP so I could get them to the office. They were due August 2nd.

Its now been six days since the phone conversation and he's never returned anything. So what happens when the form doesn't get signed by the landlord? The food stamp monies start to dwindle. They take a certain amount out every day the form isn't returned.

So I figure my landlord is probably riding around in his gold-plated SUV giggling. ha ha, that bitch witty is losing out because I won't sign the paperwork. ha, ha! Because that's pretty much how the guy appears to be. Very Mother Teresa-ish. I figure he probably already went on vacation and the paperwork was either thrown away or is just languishing on some desktop, in a kind of " that'll teach her a lesson not to "yell" at poor little Garden Hacker." They are a sensitive lot, ya know.

But help did come via my conversation with that coworker at our picnic Friday. She's a single mom with three girls and has been in "the system" for a long time. She told me I can go to Section Eight and get a print-out of my lease and that will be adequate proof for the food stamp office. Yay! I guess she does this every year because she has an absentee landlord. Mine is too. Absent of decency. I can't imagine making someone on food stamps purposely lose their benefits to "make a point" or "teach them a lesson". Its sad. And if I ever see him with a flat tire or lying in a ditch bleeding somewhere, you know what I'll do? DO YOU??? I'll probably drive around the block 2-3 times because I'm pissed at him, but then I'll stop and give him a hand by calling 911. Because why? Because I'm not an asshole like him.

I talked to Charlemagne on the phone for the first time last night. Arghh! This coming week is the final week for our adorable little Goth intern in our art class and I was wondering if we were going to be doing anything special, so I dropped him a note because he was online. Naturally I got an immediate response. CALL ME (crack of thunder) IMMEDIATELY!!!

Of course I have a lot of angst surrounding the use of the phone. I hate talking on the phone to anyone but my mom. Even on those rare occasions when I have to leave a message on "A"s phone, I'll fritz out. Why? Because he has a machine that allows you to listen to your own recorded message and then you can either save it or erase it, which for some strange reason suddenly throws me into director Martin Scorsese frame of mind. You know...45 takes on a single scene. Because I'll record a message and then not like parts of it and then want to edit within the message. Like gee I had a great joke in the middle there, but then I was really sniveling and acting whiny and I know "A" doesn't really like that. And I also think the beginning was a little muffled, so maybe I can re-record that joke a second time and trim the sniveling a bit and be sure to speak a little more clearly. And then I'll do a second take and hold off on the most important thing until last and then the machine will cut off. Dang. So then I'll re-record it AGAIN, but I might be sniffling a little too much and might have to hold the phone out for a moment to gather myself but then damn, there isn't enough time for that primo joke, which is suddenly not really fitting into the "material" anyways. I mean, what am I supposed to do...yell "REWRITE!"?

So anyways after a few deep breaths, I did call Charlemagne and he was pretty much already talking when I said hello and I was like "Oh good, I won't have to talk much". We were both looking at things on the same websites in a kind of "Look and Discuss" mode. And of course listening to all that is the Life of Charlemagne. Is it just me or do guys just always talk about themselves? Yes? Oh, okay, just checking. I just don't remember Married Guy being like that. He was always interested in me and what I had to say, which is why I fell so hard. It was the first intensive male attention I had ever gotten. It was nice.

So we'll see how Wednesday goes. Anyways it time for "The Princess Bride" "Style Wars". Its a movie about grafitti artists. Should be interesting.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty