2007-01-12 @ 12:02 a.m.
Oh my. Oh dear. What a travesty. I really hope nobody alerts the media or anything. But I suppose I should start at the beginning. Getting woken up by our Tree Chopping Nazi Guy this morning. Because I hear this Scraaaaaape. Scraaaaaape. Scraaaaaape. And I open my eyes and the clock says 6:16 a.m. and I’m like WHAT????????. Why is he shoveling snow so damn early? I could see him maybe starting at 7:45 a.m. or 8:00, but 6:16 in the freakin’ morning? So I sprang out of bed, ready to kick some major ass (yeah like I would), and then I look down at my watch and it was actually 9:45 a.m. Whoops. Evidently the battery in my clock had kicked the bucket. My bad. Glad I wasn’t getting up for anything important like breast enlargement surgery!
So anyways I lumbered out into the bathroom, turned on the light and..
I had the absolute biggest zit ever recorded in the history of mankind (and that’s including Roseanne Barr’s). It was hideous. No wonder I felt that twinge of pain when I got out of bed this morning. My face was giving birth to a zit the size of Mount Fuji. As you might imagine I was also kinda doing a Helen Keller, going....”Annie, is that you. Annie, is that YOU?” since the zit pretty much blocked out most of the sun in the Northern Hemisphere. Although it did later come in handy when I was carrying a bowl of soup, a soda AND a sandwich and I only had to make one trip.
But it was pretty horrendous. And I rubbed every antiseptic/zit cream I could find in my entire cabinet on it. And then tried to put make up on it. And then I did Liza Minnelli eyes. You know...Liza Minnelli eyes!
I figured if I had Liza Minnelli eyes, people wouldn’t notice the 7 inch throbbing mass of zittiosity protruding out of the left side of my nose. Although, it was also kinda cool that my glasses weren’t sliding off my nose every five seconds like they usually do.
I did want to get out today though, since I’ve been so bummed out the last couple of days and the sun was finally out and even though Guardcat is QUITE the conversationalist, I knew I needed some human contact. But where to go? Especially with the Leaning Tower of Pisa sticking out of the side of my nose. So once I cleaned the 12 inches of snow off my car, I drove around for a while. It just felt so good to be out amongst the drivers of the world. The people who speed up and then nearly slam into your bumper. The people who abruptly swerve into your lane and then neatly sideswipe your puny little station wagon with their I’ve Got A Giant Penis Humvees. I just felt so loved.
I started getting tired of just driving around though. But I was embarrassed about going somewhere with the World’s Largest Zit in the History of the Universe (tm). So I started thinking....hmmmm, where can I go where it might not get noticed? Where can I go, where I might walk freely and people wouldn’t laugh or try to take pictures of it with their cell phones or shoot videos of it for U-Tube, or say, “Hey, there’s Liza Minnelli, she’s really fat!!”, because I had already felt bad enough the last couple of days, and then suddenly I saw Walmart in the distance.
Walmart...the great equalizer amongst all humanity. Where the width of your ass or the uneven edges of your mullet or the somewhat puckered elasticity of your polyester stretchy pants are never held against you.
Screeeeeeeechhhhhh!!!!!! That’s me pulling into Walmart by the way...although it was a somewhat harried ride through the parking lot where I almost got hit like 9 times. I guess they were all Dudes from AA who were just getting on the road again, who forgot that the car driving up the aisle supercedes the cars randomly pulling out of parking spaces without looking.
I didn’t really have anything in mind to shop for at Walmart other than batteries for my bedroom clock and maybe the CD from “Dreamgirls”. Walking in the store I was greeted by a woman who had to be at least 88. Nice to know I’ll have a job waiting for me in forty years. Wonder what the minimum wage will be in 2047, President Barbara Bush...$7.27?
Anyhoo, the first thing I came upon was Walmart’s version of Victoria Secret’s slutty lingerie...for $10.88...knocked down from $12.88. Yay!!!! It was red with black lace and tres chic!! Unfortunately it was $2 more for the big girl’s sizes. I actually think they’re kinda shooting themselves in the foot on that one. But bygones.
So I walked over to electronics department to look for “Dreamgirls”. On the way over, I strangely felt like I was in some kind of extended episode of “My Name is Earl”. All the women looked like the trampy Joy and all the men looked like Earl and his brother or a third version: Tall skinny dudes with long straggly hair and bald spots. It was weird. When I finally got to the electronics department, I did momentarily stop at a huge Two for $11.00 DVD bin. If you’re a film historian for bad movies, I think we might have discovered the remnants of Rob (“Deuce Bigalo”) Schneider’s film career. I did briefly look longingly at the digital cameras. Ah, to have a digital camera someday. If I could say some long phrase in French expressing extreme longing I would. But I did finally find “Dreamgirls” but decided it was a little too expensive. I might ask my mom for it for my birthday in February. I did finally end up buying some cat food, weather stripping, and yes, batteries for my errant clock and managed to get out of the parking lot without any winos running over me with their pimped out ‘73 Cameros. I guess they could see me coming with that massive Mt. Fuji zit.
Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty