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2007-02-07 @ 1:31 p.m.
swans who eat i-Pods

The other day when we were having a heatwave (it got up to 12 degrees), I decided to walk over to the Swan Pond, while I was waiting for my laundry to dry. Its rather ironic its called the Swan Pond since there's only two swans living there and about 50-75 Mallard Ducks, but since Swans trump Ducks by their sheer beauty (kinda like Paris Hilton might trump Ugly Betty), the swans win out.

Now swans are beautiful and regal, but did I mention, they're also like total bitches? I was once feeding a swan some bread when they leaned in and grabbed ahold of my inner arm with their steel-trapped beak and wouldn't let go. So I'm standing there trying to shake this 3 foot tall, 45 pound bird off my arm and he was holding on for like bloody life. So after a lot of shaking and yelling, he finally let go and I had what was to become a huge purple blood blister about the size of a pork chop. It was horrible. So swans and I aren't exactly friends anymore. But I did hang over a fence to take a few pictures the other day. And as expected Mrs. Swan gave me the evil stink eye and attempted to eat my camera when I got too close

All I wanted to do was capture your ethereal beauty for all eternity, you stupid bitch.

I then started shooting some of the other nearby ducks who naturally think you're there to feed them bread, even though its illegal. Can you imagine? Duck feeding....illegal? In the old days you could just bring a bag of Wonder Bread with you and feed like 75 squawking, quacking ducks, who would likely bite your pant leg and poop on your shoe, but it was all actually kind of fun. I used to come and feed them on a daily basis. They'd see me coming with my plastic bag of empty white carbs and they'd all come running and flying towards me like a scene from "The Birds" (it was a little disconcerting I must admit), but I always enjoyed it, since feeding ducks was something I had done with my Dad as a kid and it was always a great memory.

But then the two local parks where ducks congregated suddenly put signs up telling people NOT to feed the ducks because it "interrupted their natural feeding habits and made it so they would not know how to feed themselves" Well, duh, tthese ducks live in city parks and are fed every single day by families with kids and middle aged women like me who enjoyed interacting with them. Of course they don't totally know how to feed themselves. I'm sure they could if they had to, but they've got us.

So despite the threats of fines, and my ever-present imaginary scenario from "COPS" where helicopters are hovering overhead and cops are suddenly running towards me from all directions screaming "Drop the bread. drop the bread...NOW!" and I'm too freaked out to respond quick enough since everyone has their guns drawn...for feeding ducks, and then they taser me and I fall to the ground writhing in pain.

I mean I still feed them occasionally but cautiously.

And then rather suspiciously the Village suddenly put in these contraptions by the pond that looked like bubble gum machines and you put a quarter in and get like 3 grains of corn to feed the ducks with. And they also have these stinky green fish pellets in the other side. So you toss a small handful of fish pellets in the water and watch a bunch of pudgy trouts jump out of the water like Flipper on L.A. Weight Loss. I mean whose interrupting the natural flow of nature now?

So that's how things work in the Village. Make MONEY off ducks and geese. Next they'll probably be having "Have Your Picture Taken with the Swan". I can just see the lawsuits now, especially when Mrs. Swan decides to accidentally gobble down some yuppie kid's expensive iPod instead of the usual grain of corn. Who will be laughing then?

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