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2005-12-07 @ 12:18 p.m.
parking lot is full, but my heart isn't

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, December 6:
Your natural independence and individuality makes you an automatic magnet at all times, but you'll have your hands full trying to drive off admirers now -- and they won't be the usual suitors you attract, either. This will definitely be fun.

Heh, heh. Originally I was going to insert a photo of a large parking lot full of cars for the many many, many, many admirers waiting for me to grace their soulless, unhappy miserable lives with my stunning, breathtaking presence, but then when I Googled parking lot images I either got some office parking lot in Scranton, PA. with 3 cars or a crowded street in Shanghai with 3000 rickshaws and chickens flying around and that kind of defeated the purpose wouldnít you say? Sigh.

Life is easy, its comedy thatís hard.

The holiday season is also hard when youíre single. Oh hell, every season is hard when youíre single. I used to be very settled into the Single THANG, but not anymore. Ever since my 5 year stint with Married Guy and his family, where I got to look in and see how much nicer it was to have someone to return home to and talk with and presumably sleep with and share things with, Iíve been pretty hellbent on getting a little bit of that for myself. Sure I saw the downside, like the arguing and wifey not getting her way and to be honest, the fact that Married Guy was having an undefined but somewhat close relationship with another woman, but if I was doing a giant LIFE toteboard, I would definitely say that having someone in your life would definitely have more check marks than not. Because being alone SUCKS!

And supposedly now, ďAĒ thinks he has figured out why Iíve been having chest pains for the last 2.5 months. Its anxiety. And yesterday I was able to clarify the anxiety. Its anxiety about ending up being alone forever. He did have to ask that god-awful question he asks me every year or so.
So when was the last time you were on a date?

The time spent with Married Guy, of course, does not count as dating, since we werenít dating. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time, and I would occasionally be naked and he would occasionally be massaging me and he would occasionally be doing stupid shit like telling me he loved me, but we never went on a date.

So with all that said and done, when was the last time I went on a date? Probably about 1987. That was the last time a guy turned to me and said, ďWitty, would you honor me with your luminous presence and go out on a date with me?Ē Okay, he didnít quite say that. He actually said, ďWell, you did say you wanted to go to the movies. Do you want to go tonight?Ē Wasnít that romantic and touching? He did add he would pay for dinner, but that I would be paying for the movie. Yay! I was so hopelessly in love with this guy (he was a coworker) that I probably would have paid for HIS dinner and given him my pancreas if he had needed it for a transplant that night. That's just the way I am, ya see. So we went out. I was a nervous wreck despite the fact that we got along really well at work. But then when we were suddenly thrown into the Date Mode, I froze and started talking in tongues I think. Fortunately Tad was a very nice guy, so he just smiled and nodded his head a lot and pretended like I was speaking the Kingís English and that he wasnít actually on a date with a recent lobotomy patient. Interestingly enough, two days later he met his future wife with whom he is still married and has three kids, so my dating life with him or anyone else ceased and has been in hibernation ever since.

I do get frustrated with ďAĒ occasionally when he acts like I donít want to start dating again. I do, but I am terrified. This last thing with Married Guy was very painful to get over (am I over it? Not really). I would like to try and work on how to overcome some of my social anxiety and how to handle any potential rejection. Heh, heh. Potential rejection. Of course there is going to be rejection, witty! I did go on one little mini-date about 7 years ago from a personal ad in a newspaper. I met the guy out at a park. We had had some decent conversations on the phone. He seemed nice and then when we met, we walked around the local swan pond for like 15 minutes. I was so nervous and insecure, I asked him how it was going and he kind of admonished me and said you donít ask your date that question. And then when we got back to the spot where we had met, he turned to me and said, ďWell, I donít feel any spark with you. We can be friends if you want. You can never have too many friends.Ē And then he walked away. He didnít even say good-bye.

I just stood there in disbelief, because 1) He looked like a little ugly anteater. He was only about 5 ft 4 inches and had a massive schnoz. And I wondered who made you the boss of this date? 2) He didnít even give me a chance. I only talked to him about 15 minutes. He didnít contribute anything. He just walked with me sullenly. 3). The morning he called me to set up our meeting he lovingly told me he had just changed the sheets on his bed. And to myself I was like, why are you telling me this? Am I supposed to be getting aroused, like yippie, Iím about to get lucky with some stranger from a newspaper ad? 4). Letís be honest, it was all about my weight, wasnít it? I was about 25 pounds heavier at the time, and I could tell by the expression on his face, that that was an issue. Well, if that is the most important thing on your list of important things, than happy hunting down at the anorexic clinic, skippie. Because I can lose weight. But you canít lose ugly.

I guess you can tell why Iím not real thrilled about dating off the internet or personals. Sure it was only one mini-date, but to me it seemed indicative of what to expect when clicking on some strangerís ad. And this has been what ďAĒ and I have been battling over for years. Me going on and finding the love of my life. Its just that I donít want to go through the good, the bad and the ugly before finding the GREAT, if indeed, I do find the GREAT. I donít really have any confidence that I will and I donít want to go through all the emotional turmoil involved with rejection and perchance, me having to reject someone else. I canít even imagine being able to do that. I am, after all, the girl with humane mice traps in her house. I hate hurting people OR vermin. I donít even know if I would be able to say no to someone if I didnít like them.

So ďAĒ and I once again talked about the dating dilemma and I once again had to plead my case, that indeed I did want to find someone to share my life with, but that I was still tripping over some issues from my childhood. He hates hearing that one. Heís like enough already, but I feel that a lot of your childhood stuff is truly ingrained in you, and its hard not to get tripped up by the tapes that play in my head about self worth and physical beauty. Yeeks. Theyíre so loud sometimes. Theyíre so loud in fact, that sometimes people have to shout for me to hear them. And ďAĒ did that in a way yesterday. He gave me a very serious talking to about how great I am and threw out about 5 or so adjectives describing me and he doesnít take these things lightly, so they really meant a lot. In fact, Iím even crying right now just thinking about them.

So I guess, if I can hold these thoughtful words closely, and go out amid the menfolk of the world, perhaps someone will notice the dim light shining beneath the surface and realize that my heart is just in need of a jumpstart.

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Lyrics by Lennon/McCartney. All angst copyright by awittykitty